Saturday, 3 December 2011

X Factor (3rd December 2011)

Welcome to semi-final week!
Format is the same as last time: only four acts left in the competition so they will each be performing twice.

I wonder if the X Factor narrator talks like that in real life ... "CAN I HAVE .... A CUP .... OF TEA?" Conversations would take forever.

While I've been imagining life with the slowest talker in the UK, someone has announced that this week the decisions are out of the judges' hands so get voting if you actually care who gets to the final.

Dermot's clearly been working hard on choreographing his now weekly dance routine. He still looks like a moron though so we'll move swiftly on.

Judges are introduced. Tulisa does the usual arm thing. Wouldn't it be marvellous if the three other judges took the piss and copied her? Yes, that would be hilarious. Old 'lego hands' Louis would probably mess it up though.

Theme = Motown

Misha (Dancing In The Street)
This week Misha has been a busy little bee meeting Justin Bieber and releasing a charity single.
She is wearing a dress made of records! Actual vinyl records! How ace! With her on stage are dancers a-plenty moving and a-grooving. It's a great start to the show and I kind of wish I was in the audience.
Louis thinks she's original and authentic. He wants her in the final. Tulisa says the theme suits her perfectly and the performance will get her to the final. Gary thanks Misha for making the whole X Factor experience a positive one. Kelly says people will not only be dancing in the street, but on the roof too. If it's alright with you, Rowland, I'll give the rooftop dancing a miss. It's rather cold outside and I don't think I have suitable footwear. Maybe next time though, eh?

Amelia (Aint No Mountain High Enough)
This week Amelia has shot a music video and sung on stage with JLS and One Direction. Yeah? Well, I went to Sainsbury's and wrote some Christmas cards.
Hopefully Motown will give Amelia slightly less opportunity to shout at me. Fingers crossed! Again, plenty of dancers on stage. She sounds really good but she loses points for wearing a dress made of fabric instead of household objects.
Louis loves Amelia and says she reminds him of Christina Aguilera. Didn't I say that a couple of weeks ago? See how knowledgeable I am. Gary was worried Amelia wouldn't cope with the theme but was pleasantly surprised. Kelly thinks Amelia is 'on fire' tonight.

[Dinner was served during Little Mix and Marcus' performances so we now skip ahead to everyone's second song. Lasagne, if you're wondering. It was yummy.]

Theme = Song contestant thinks will get him/her to the final

Misha (F*ing Perfect)
I really like this song and thankfully Misha's doing a pretty good job with it. Although, having said that, the chorus sounds a little whiney. She manages to win me over again with a rapping segment that, as the judges would probably say, 'makes the song her own'.
Louis says she stands out from the crowd and that she should never have been in the bottom two. Tulisa thinks the performance was 'personal and real'. Word. Gary tries to generate votes for Misha by saying that she was wrongfully accused earlier in the competition and that, even if she got to the final, she wouldn't win because of what has been said in the past. Well! What do you think of THAT, Tulisa? Feel bad about calling her a bully?

Amelia (I'm With You)
I'm worried. Kelly warns me that Amelia may well 'bring the house down' with this song ... *volume down*
As if she's singing Avril Lavigne! Oh my god, how 2003. It sounds rather lovely until we reach the big notes, when Amelia tries, but fails, not to shout. I did advise that someone 'accidentally' lose her microphone this week.
Louis thinks it was the vocal performance of the night. Apparently this song is one of Tulisa's all time favourites (who knew?). Gary disagrees with Louis that it was the performance of the show but he says he likes the shouty voice (um ... what?)

Marcus (Can You Feel It?)
Marcus' life has changed a lot in the three months since he used to be a hairdresser. No. Shit.
He enters on a platform from the ceiling (obviously) and I'm a little worried that he is suffering from a mild case of vertigo as the start of the song does not sound at all good. Thankfully once he gets onto the higher notes things improve. Phew, don't scare me like that, Marcus.
Louis doesn't think it was the right song choice. I think I agree actually. Tulisa also agrees with us. Kelly wants to see Marcus in the final but thinks it wasn't his best performance. Gary had cotton wool in his ears throughout because he disagrees with the other judges and me. Silly Barlow.

Little Mix (If I Were A Boy)
Why are they your little muffins, Tulisa?
Little Mix find it odd that they didn't begin the competition as a group. One of them even claims not to remember singing on her own. This should probably prompt someone to call a doctor because she is clearly suffering from amnesia.
Oh my god, Little Mix are on a cloud! .... Oh not ... wait ... it's just a year's supply of dry ice. As you were. Vocals are pretty good ... no actually they're very good towards the end of the song.
Louis is reminded of Girls Allowed and the Sugababes. He would also love to see them in the final. I'm fairly sure he wants to see everyone in the final. Kelly insists they need a lead singer. Gary isn't impressed with tonight's vocals. Tulisa looks like she is going to blow a gasket. She wants the Geordies to vote, she wants Essex to vote. Goodness. So much voting. As an aside, here is an insightful comment from one of Little Mix while talking to Dermot, "I think we did the vocals right and stuff." Wow.

Well that's your lot, folks!

Saturday, 26 November 2011

X Factor (26th November 2011)

We begin tonight's proceedings with some interesting news. Apparently I am not alone in disliking Tulisa's trademark arm gesture. Ofcom is investigating complaints that, by flashing her tattoo each week (The Female Boss), Tulisa is illegally advertising her perfume (TFB). The fact that she could have broken product placement rules just by showing her arm is, to me at least, rather hilarious and I am looking forward to seeing what she does in tonight's show.

So, quarter final week is upon us. This means there are only five acts remaining and, in order to pad the show out a bit, they will be performing two songs each. To complicate things further there will also be not one, but two, themes: guilty pleasure songs and songs by idols. I am intrigued by the former.

Do you think if I complain to Ofcom we can get Dermot to stop this RIDICULOUS 'dancing'? Because I'll do it. I've got my pen and paper ready on standby.

Just FYI Tulisa decides to ignore Ofcom and does a double arm salute. There'll be complaints ...

Little Mix (Justin Bieber/Diana Ross)
This week Little Mix went to Winter Wonderland. No, I don't know what connection this has to the show either but it looks like they had fun. Good for them.
The stage, for some unknown reason, looks like a '50s diner. Unfortunately I don't think they sound great ... but actually they're getting better by the time they start the Diana Ross part of the medley and by the end of it, it's not a bad performance. Just not a particularly exciting one.
Louis thinks it was lacking something this week, I'd agree. Kelly really really believes in these girls. She has lots of constructive criticism but she talks too fast for me to type them all. Gary enjoyed the performance and can't wait for the next one. Tulisa replies to Louis' comment by just saying 'sabotage, sabotage, sabotage' ... great comeback.

Janet (Hanson - Mmm Bop)
This week Janet turned on the Christmas lights in her hometown. Apparently she is not really a Christmas person (WTF? Get out, Devlin) but did enjoy switching on the lights. I should hope so too.
How is this a guilty pleasure? No, let me rephrase that - how does Janet know about this song? She can't have been more than a wee nipper when it was released. This is kind of boring ... and oh my god she's forgotten the words! That's the second time she's done that on the show. Two strikes and you're out, Miss Devlin. How can you forget the words to a song that is your guilty pleasure? Especially when there aren't really any words to remember.
Louis thinks she 'kind of messed up' (apparently she felt like she was going to chunder on stage - eeww). Tulisa thinks it is a mediocre performance but is positive that there is another song for her to redeem herself with. Gary says the performance was 'a real mess' - copy that, Barlow. Kelly reminds Janet she is a fighter. I disagree, Rowland - she's the most un-fighter-y person on the show. As if demonstrating my point, Janet whines pathetically about feeling ill to Dermot. Man up.
Incidentally, something which just I just spotted on twitter that made me laugh is someone saying, "Next time I forget to do something I'm going to blame sickness." Ha!

Misha (Cyndi Lauper - Girls Wanna Have Fun)
Following on from Gary's comments last week, Misha will be returning to the style of her original audition. Good move, Misha. I predict good things for this performance, don't let me down.
For the record, this does not qualify as 'guilty pleasure': this is just 'pleasure'. Please continue Misha. She's made the song her own and it's ace. I may even consider downloading it, that's how good it is. Seriously, there's nothing to pick apart and take the piss out of. In that respect it's a little disappointing.
Louis thanks god Misha is still in the competition. Tulisa agrees with me and tells Misha that there is 'not one bad thing to say about the performance'. Gary is full of praise. Kelly is also full of praise but the audience is chanting Misha's name and I can't really hear what she's saying.
Just one thing to note is that during her little talk with Dermot, Misha talks about herself in the third person. Put a stop to that right now, missy.

Marcus (Wham! - I'm Your Man)
Marcus informs me that Gary has been more than a mentor to him .... mmmmhmmmm? Oh apparently he just means he's been a friend. How dull.
It's good. It normally is. Again there's not much to take the piss out of ... although the dancers have all just produced tambourines seemingly out of nowhere. Where the chickens did they come from? I am flumouxed.
Louis thinks Marcus is a potential popstar - well I'd hope that's what you think by this stage of the competition. Tulisa loves it and describes the performance as 'a journey' - ugh. Kelly says Marcus gave her everything tonight. I think she actually has a bit of a crush on him. Gary orders Marcus to start believing in himself.

Amelia - who, according to Kelly, is ready to 'shut the building down' (T'Pau - China In Your Hand)
Meh, I am so bored by Amelia's VT that I can't be bothered to recap it.
Loving the dress! Very nice floaty number. Oh yes, the singing ... yep, all good in the hood except she does have a tendancy to edge towards shouting rather than singing. Maybe we don't give her a microphone next week and she can just belt it out?
Louis thinks she is a ready-made popstar. Tulisa says the vocal was beautiful and remarks on how Amelia gets lost in the music. Gary clearly has nothing interesting to say as he spends far too long reminding us of Amelia's journey through the competition. Kelly apparently didn't know the song before Amelia sang it.

Halfway there, folks. Hang in there.

Little Mix (Christina Aguilalelalrlelarla - Beautiful)
Obligatory chairs and dry ice. It's pretty good - some bits stick out because individually I don't think the girls are as good as Christina, but on the whole it's a very good version. And ahh, they all stand up and have a hug at the end. The Gremlin is in tears.
Louis thinks they've 'pulled it out the bag' and insists, again, that 'we need some girl power'. Kelly says it was a great job. Gary likes the friendship they have as a band. Tulisa thinks it was the best performance they've done. In case you're interested, my dad thinks this is 'absolute bollocks'. He's such a charmer.

Janet (Red Hot Chilli Peppers - I Don't Ever Want To Feel)
Hopefully she's been revising the lyrics since her last performance.
Great start - sounds very good ... but the chorus isn't great. At least she's remembered all the words so far. I have just noticed that there's a massive image of her head on the wall behind her and it's actually very unnerving. Take it away.
Louis wasn't crazy about the song choice but says that 'everybody in Ireland is lifting the phone and voting' for her. Prove it, Walsh, prove it. Gary doesn't think Janet's having a good week but likes that she has been her own person throughout the show.

Misha (Killing Me Softly)
Why is she really annunciating the 't' in softly? No one does that. Stop it.
Perfect song choice, Misha. I'd be shocked and disappointed if she doesn't get a record deal after the show. Regardless of whether she wins the competition or not she just looks and sounds like an established artist already.
Tulisa thinks this is Misha's best week. Gary prefered the first song. Kelly is very proud and says 'beautiful performance, mama'. High praise indeed.

Marcus (Stevie Wonder - Lately)
Amazing red grand piano! I want one. I'd learn to play it. Eventually.
I hate to admit it, but it's not a great start. Come on Marcus, sort it out. He begins to heed my advice and things start to improve. Bless him, no one can accuse him of not trying.
Louis reminds us that it is a talent show and that Marcus has talent - state the bleeding obvious, Walsh. Tulisa alludes to Marcus' tough childhood and praises him for just getting on with it. Kelly and Gary are both extremely positive.

Amelia (Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone)
I like the song but I fear that this is another opportunity for Amelia to shout at me for 3 minutes ... *volume down*
Amelia has decided to wander around the audience at the start of her song but don't worry folks, she makes it back to her podium just in time for the chorus. Disappointingly she wimps out of the really big notes, though this is probably a good thing for the sake of my ears. Thanks for being considerate, Amelia: much appreciated.
Louis thinks she makes it look effortless and he wants everyone in the north of England vote for her. Not anywhere else then, Louis? Tulisa wisely says that it was a little shouty. Gary thinks her songs are sometimes pitched a bit too high. Kelly says something about Amelia being able to hit the big notes in her sleep. Geez, she's that noisy while she sleeps? Crikey.

We are shown reminders of each performance and my hypothetical vote this week goes to Misha.

Whew, that was a long recap. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

X Factor (19th November 2011)

Yep, it's that time of week again. Time to face the music. I don't actually know how one faces the music, it being a rather ephemeral entity and all, but hey ho let's not worry ourselves with such metaphorical matters. X Factor's about to start.

I have to admit that I'm a little concerned about tonight's X Factor, after all it cannot possibly be anywhere near as dramatic as last week's. Kitty is no longer a part of the show and, unless there has been a major upset in the last half an hour that I haven't heard about, none of the contestants have been forced to leave having 'broken a golden rule'. As far as I'm aware, things are running smoothly down at the BT tower, so we might even start on time this week. How very boring.

Anyway, no time to complain as we're off. Theme = movie night. Sounds like a reasonably simple and self-explanatory theme. Wonder how far they can deviate from it this week.

Dermot and his usual crew kick things off. I hate these little dances and, as such, I refuse to devote much effort to writing about them. Moving on.

Craig (License to Kill - James Bond films)
He's very proud of how far he has come in the competition and still finds it strange being recognised by members of the public. He is also keen to emphasise that he's just a normal guy. I'd come to that conclusion on my own, thanks Craig.
It's pitch-perfect and all very impressive but I still can't see him winning the competition. I think he might be a bit too normal. The eyebrows are looking particuarly well groomed tonight and once I notice this I find them rather distracting and I can't not look at them. They put mine to shame. Might need to grab the tweezers in the break at this rate.
Louis doesn't think it was a brilliant song choice (audience boos) Tulisa agrees. Kelly thinks Craig always delivers vocally and she is about to give some constructive criticism but Gary presumably stamps on her foot under the desk and she chickens out. Gary tells us this negativity is 'lazy critique' by the judges. Cue several seconds of the judges talking over each other and generally making it about themselves, rather than the contestants. I do not hear what Dermot says because my dad actually does the high-pitched mimicky voice you probably used with your sibling(s) when you were about 8 to mimick Tulisa's protests against Gary.

Janet (Kiss Me - How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days)
Janet tells me she doesn't want to bore people with her performances. Thank goodness, Janet, because I didn't actually like being bored when you were singing last week. It was pretty boring. Heh.
I like this. It's a good song choice for her - suits her voice really well. And what's this I see? No, it couldn't be ... surely not? A smile? From Janet? She's not actually enjoying herself on stage is she? The only thing I'm not particularly fond of is the couple (presumably dancers?) canoodling on a bench to the left of the stage. Odd. Cowell wouldn't stand for such nonsense. And neither will I.
Louis is very positive. Tulisa is happy to see Janet back in her comfort zone (despite forcing her out of it a few weeks ago). Gary thinks Janet was really connected to the song. Kelly is very proud.

Amelia (Think/Freedom - Bridget Jones)
Kelly announces Amelia's song in a tone that suggests she thinks the fact that Bridget Jones is a British film will win her Brownie points. It won't, Rowland.
Amelia was quite disappointed to have been voted back into the competition as she was enjoying all the daytime television she was watching. Only joking, she loves being back. Obviously. Don't worry though: she's got Jeremy Kyle recording on series link so she can catch up afterwards.
At the risk of sounding like Louis, you know who she reminds me of? A young Christina Aguilera. I'm very impressed considering this is probably only the third time she has sung live in front of so many people but I don't really like her ...
Louis wonders why Kelly sent her home in the first week. Tulisa is happy Amelia is back but doesn't like the song (Louis completely disagrees). Gary thinks it was a great performance. Kelly thinks she did a 'great job mama'.

Random interlude: David Walliams is in the audience. He tells us his favourite is Johnny and that he wants him back. Dermot breaks it to him that that's not going to happen.

Misha (I Have Nothing - The Bodyguard)
Misha's had a tough week after her biological mother wrote to the media wanting to get back in touch with her. As much as I joke around and take the piss I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for her and I'm keeping everything crossed that she manages to have a great performance.
Misha is wearing a very simple (for her) white dress and the focus this week seems to be very much on the song and her voice. No dancers. No crazy outfit. This is probably a wise move after she ended up in the bottom two last week. I like it a lot - her voice is utterly amazing - but I also like the crazy outfits we've seen in previous weeks and I hope she returns to them at some point.
Misha's in tears. Louis tells her it was one of the best performances. Tulisa doesn't know where to start with her positive comments and tells Misha she blew her away. Gary completely disagrees with everybody watching the show (oi Barlow, you and I are going to have issues). He also thinks she's being too safe in her performance and that she should go back to the Misha we've seen in previous weeks.

Little Mix (What's It Gonna Be - Set It Off)
This week Little Mix got to meet The Saturdays. One of them describes them as 'proper nice'.
Good start! Very good start actually. Really nice harmonies. Kelly would probably call them 'tight'. I'm not particularly familiar with the song but they seem to be singing it well. There's even a key change - they're a girl band, of course there's a key change. Just a shame there weren't any chairs for them to sit on and then stand at the key change. That would have been just swell.
Louis thinks it's incredible how much they've grown. Alright, Walsh, one of them already has body image issues. Kelly is very positive. She seems to get progressively more Southern as the show goes on because she's saying y'all a lot. Gary thinks it was their best performance to date but wants them to sing something that shows off their vocals more. Tulisa loves them and urges me to vote. I would, but I resent the fact that none of the money raised from the public vote goes to charity, so sorry Tulisa but Little Mix will just have to manage without my support.

Marcus (Higher and Higher - Ghostbusters)
Marcus enjoyed last week but got mixed comments from the judges. He got to meet Rebecca Ferguson. Where the chickens has she been in the last year?
He's got a massive (extremely jolly) choir behind him and it's like something out of Sister Act (that's a good thing by the way, just in case that wasn't clear). I love Marcus. He can't go wrong in my eyes. I even like the neon pink shoes.
Tulisa thinks it was amazing. Kelly thinks Marcus has shut the building down. I think this is a good thing but I'm not 100% sure. Gary thinks it was the performance of the night.

It's another tough one this week. They all sang well. Having said that, I wouldn't mind if Craig didn't return next week. Or Amelia.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

X Factor 12th November 2011

Howdie y'all! (I've been working on my generic American accent. Pretty good, no?)

Come on in out of the rain and sit yourself down. Let me take your coat for you. Do help yourself to nibbles. Can I get you a glass of wine?

So, I must start this evening's proceedings with some bad news. Are you sitting down? You've got your wine, haven't you? Good. I'm ever so sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Mr. Cocozza has decided to leave this year's X Factor. Mmm, yes, I know ... terrible shock, isn't it? Here is a video clip of a press conference he attended earlier in the week in which he explains the reasons behind his decision and apologises for his behaviour (please watch - it's very insightful).

I think that clears things up nicely, thanks Frankie.
So Frankie's departure has left a gap in the competition and the show's producers have decided that, instead of just having no one leave on Sunday, they would like to allow one of the four acts that was booted out in the first week of live shows to rejoin the competition. I am sure the decision was made out of the desire to give one of the acts another chance ... not because it was an opportunity to make more money from public votes.

Incidentally, while we wait for things to kick off, did you know that I am 23.75 years old today? I'm looking forward to 12th May 2013 because then I'll be 25.25 and I can sing this:

(Obviously the digits following the decimal point are not 'twenty five' but 'twenty five hundredths', however, 'twenty five hundredths' doesn't fit as nicely into the song so we shall have to deal with this inaccuracy when the time comes for me to sing in mid May 2013).

Right, let's get this show on the road, shall we? Oh, apparently the show is not ready to go on the road just yet as the itv announcer man announces that there are some technical difficulties preventing X Factor from starting. Talk amongst yourselves, folks.

After we are shown 'highlights' from this year's competition we are FINALLY able to start the live show and Mr. Dramatic reminds us that one act will be voted into the competition. I've already been through that, get on with it.

Dermot and his mini entourage of two enter and lordy, lordy, lordy they're really sticking with this dancing thing. It's still shocking. I'm sure if Simon was still here this malarky would be halted immediately.

Time for the judges to enter. Tulisa does the trademark stupid arm thing. Grr. Dermot informs me that tonight's theme is Lady Ga Ga and Queen. This is an odd combination but I'll go with it.

There is now a segment about Frankie leaving and, because I have already been over this, I am taking this opportunity to refill my wine glass. Cheers.

Singing first is Kitty (Queen - Don't Stop Me Now ). If she is wearing trousers or a skirt, or in fact ANYTHING on her bottom half I'll ... I'll ... I'll eat my hat. She starts things off in a chariot complete with dancers pretending to be horses (obviously) so I am unable to determine what she is wearing. Oh no! There is a skirt! Dammit. Well played, Kitty, well played.
Tulisa says the song suited her well. Kelly whitters on about something which I don't understand (I don't think Kitty understands it either). Gary offers some constructive criticism. Dermot draws our attention back to the 'prancing leather horses'.

After the break Dermot reminds me of the numbers to call to vote one of the four acts back in. You're alright, Derm, I won't be voting.

Craig is next (Ga Ga - Paparazzi). He tells me that he enjoyed his performance last week and was proud he managed to include some dance moves - did you Craigy? Did you? I remember side steps but not actual dancing.
Very simple staging and the song being slowed right down gives Craig yet another chance to show off his amazing voice. There's even a key change thrown in for good measure. It's pretty perfect and he's a nice guy but I just don't see him winning the competition. I don't know why.
Louis loves the arrangement. For Tulisa it was the best performance Craig has done. Kelly wonders if Craig realises how great he is and she likes that he made the song his own. Gary is obviously full of praise.

Another break and I miss the John Lewis Christmas advert because I am changing into jim jams (white with grey spots if you were wondering).

Phew, back in time to see Little Mix performing. I'm fairly sure Tulisa introduces them in a mock Cheryl Cole accent. Odd, Tulisa. Odd. Anyway, Little Mix were shocked that The Risk left last week. They are determined to work extra hard now that they are the only group left in the group. (Queen - Radio Ga Ga - which satisfyingly fits both criteria ... oh no it's now morphed into Ga Ga's Telephone. Confusing).
I like this. It's not particularly different from the original but it sounds good.
Louis thinks "Little Mix, big future" nice one, Walsh. Kelly wants them to tighten up their harmonies (cue booing from the audience). Gary thinks Tulisa is running out of ideas for them (cue more booing) and directly asks them whether they want to do something different. They clearly all DO want to do something different because there is much mumbling amongst them before one of them manages a "We'll take all of the judges' comments onboard" translation: "Yes, we'd like to do something different but we're afraid of expressing our views right now without checking with our mentor what our views are supposed to be."


Janet's up. Because she had a crappy week last week (forgetting the words and all that jazz) Kelly wants to remind her of the girl who came to auditions and bootcamp.
(Queen - Somebody To Love). Very slow, stripped back version. I'm not convinced. She sounds good but it's all just a little too boring for my liking ... dear lord this is dragging on.
Louis disagrees with me completely. Tulisa can see a market and a fanbase for Janet. Gary is starting to lose interest and wisely says that it was a boring performance. Kelly swoops in to defend her act. Dermot disagrees with the judges and bravely tries to take them on, saying Janet is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. He also tells me that it is Janet's birthday today. Happy birthday, Devlin.

Marcus is up next. He's starting to feel like he could become a pop star. That's the spirit, Marcus. He feels like he has finally found his identity. Good for you.
(Queen - Another One Bites The Dust) It's a kind of big band arrangement and, because I have a soft spot for this kid, I really like it. I would go so far as to describe it as toe-tappingly good. And there's even glitter thrown in at the end. Excellent.
Louis reckons he's got tonnes of charisma. Tulisa doesn't like Marcus doing the same style of song as last week as she feels he has more variety. Kelly agrees and wants him to have more fun on stage. Gary describes the girls' comments as 'tactical critique' - takes one to know one, Barlow. Did you really think Janet was THAT boring? I did, but I'm not the mentor of other acts in the competition. Just saying.

Oh, Lady Ga Ga will be performing on the Sunday show. The theme is making a little more sense.

Misha is next. She likes to know she has support 'out there'. Apparently the song she will be singing 'touches a special place in [her] heart' (Ga Ga - Born This Way). It starts off slowly. Please pick up the tempo, I'm not sure I can deal with another slow one. The tempo remains relatively slow but the sound of a load of marching band drums suddenly appears. Oh, there are also lots of dancers. Where did they come from? They are wearing costumes which remind me of Steps' Deeper Shade Of Blue video (that was an ace one, wasn't it?)
Tulisa thinks it was amazing and the performance reminded her that Misha is one of the strongest vocalists. Gary praises her attitude. Kelly is very proud.

We're nearly there, folks. Just one more to go. And the act returning to the competition is ... (yes we're already running 15 minutes late but we're still going to build up the tension) ... Amelia. I have neither good nor bad feelings about this. If I could sum up my feelings towards Amelia in a noise it would be 'meh'. Can she still be voted out of the competition tomorrow? That would be hilarious.
(Queen - Show Must Go On - love this song). How old is this kid? I had forgotten what an amazing voice she has. The performance is ever so dramatic - fireworks AND dry ice (I know, right?)
Louis doesn't know what to say (probably best not to say anything then, Walsh). Tulisa reckons she's come in at the same level as the other acts in the competition. Gary says it was sensational and smiles as he says "The Great British public love a come-back." Heh. Kelly wishes to welcome her the freaking back (actual words).

Well that's your lot! Tough call this week, I don't know who I would vote for. Possibly Amelia but I do think it would be hilarious if she left tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave comments.
Toodles x

Saturday, 5 November 2011

More X Factor

Evening all. Welcome to X Factor bloglet number two.


So this dancing thing is becoming a regular event now is it, Dermot? I hope you're getting paid extra because you look like a twerp. You know what would be good though? If the judges did a little routine. Kelly seems to hear me as she is moving and a-grooving up on stage. Tulisa joins in but dances like me, which is a bit of a fail. At least she doesn't do the arm thing. She must have received my letter.

FYI there will be two acts leaving the show tomorrow but don't worry if you forget this because we're likely to be reminded at regular intervals throughout the evening.

First up is Johnny. He wants Gary as a husband and is shocked that he is still in the competition (Johnny is shocked that Johnny is still in the competition. Johnny is not shocked that Gary is still in the competition. That would be silly). Singing Hung Up ..... and You Spin Me Round. Ok, I'm only going to say it once but a poppy is not a fashion accessory and, as such, I am disliking the sequined poppies.
Tulisa finds it predictable although she normally likes to watch him perform. Johnny is Kelly's guilty pleasure. Gary thinks it was like the opening of a pantomime in Scarborough. Way to piss of Scarborough, Gary.

Janet is next. Wait, is there a theme this week? I don't think so ... I don't think Dermot's told me about one ... even when there is one nobody seems to follow it. Oh oh oh Janet is apparently doing an upbeat song. It's I Want You Back. I like it but oh no she's forgotten some of the words eek! That's a bit of a no no for the live shows, Miss Devlin. She looks gutted.
Louis likes the interpretation and thinks Janet will go far in the competition. Tulisa thinks Janet should stick to the style of song she has sung in the past. Janet seems devastated. Kelly reckons it's still a good idea to experiment.

Back from the break and Dermot tells me about various Facebook and Twitter things but I am not paying much attention.

Next up is Craig. He is worried that, after so many positive comments in previous weeks, he is going to get some negative ones soon. Apparently he is also singing an upbeat song.

- On a side note the fireworks outside sound like actual bombs at the moment and it is rather scary -

Craig's singing Heaven and there's a bit of a dance routine involved. Well, sort of. It involves him moving side to side a bit. Goodness me the boy's got an impressive set of lungs on him.
Louis reckons Craig reminds him of a young Gary Barlow. The crowd is going literally mental - well not LITERALLY: I don't see anyone throwing their own poo or anything, but they're being rather noisy.

The Risk are on next and Dermot has just slipped in that it's club week. What the chickens? I am so confused that I miss the conversation they have with JLS. I'm sure it was incredibly insightful.
They're singing (and I use the term loosely) Night to Remember. They're pretty awful so one of them decides to do a rap in the middle of the song to disguise the out of tune singing. Seriously, if I was their mentor I would make them sing their parts individually until I found out which one was messing things up. Then give him the boot.
Louis says they're back in the race (WHAT?) Kelly gives them a bit of a pep talk. Gary talks sense and tells them that it was lacking vocally. Tulisa has nothing negative to say. I could think of a few things.

Why are the Mr. Men advertising Muller yoghurts?

Yay Marcus is singing. Gary tells me he has a 'full on dance routine'. Awesome song! Reet Petite. I love it already. I am enjoying the performance too much to write anything - it's ace.
Louis reckons Marcus is the perfect popstar. For what it's worth, I agree. Tulisa praises him for reinventing himself every week. Kelly likes watching Marcus 'grow' each week. One week I will play an X Factor drinking game in which I drink whenever a metaphor is used. If I give advance warning of when I plan to do this will someone drive me to A&E please?

Louis introduces Kitty. She tells me that she honestly had the most fun on stage last week. Kitty looks pretty scary without eye makeup. The producers have edited together various clips of Kitty making bizarre suggestions that make her look like a mental.
Singing Like a Prayer. Chooon. I have a feeling she is going to lose the black habit in a minute. Kitty does not disappoint and whips it off to reveal a black, sequined off the shoulder number and I am concerned her left boob will make an unwanted appearance. Luckily she manages to get to the end of the song without a wardrobe malfunction.
Tulisa says she's got raw talent and could have an arena tour. Gary liked the Bucks Fizz moment in the middle of the performance. I like the Bucks Fizz reference. Gary warns Kitty that she can't dance. He didn't say the same to Tulisa at the start of the show though, did he?

Frankie is saying the lyrics to Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night and he's not even managing to say them in tune. He has also forgotten to get dressed. What the hell is this? There are no words apart from perhaps 'Bye Frankie'
Louis tells it as it is and says the performance was like bad karaoke. The song didn't work for Tulisa. Kelly, with the sincerest face I think I've ever seen, tells Frankie he needs to work on his vocals as that is the only thing lacking IN A SINGING COMPETITION. Someone gag Louis, he seems unable to SHUT UP AND LET OTHERS HAVE THEIR SAY.

We're back from the break and, suprisingly, the judges don't seem to have killed one another.

Misha and her crazy hair are next. Being in the bottom two last week has motivated her. Some of her family have come to surprise her to give her a boost. There is a cute baby in the family.
Singing Proud Mary = awesome. I LOVE IT and am singing along to it. I wish I was as cool as Misha and her dancers.
Louis loves it SO much. Tulisa says it was a great performance. Mum chooses this point to give me chocolate from her trip to Rome so I lose interest in the show but I think everyone liked Misha.

Little Mix are closing the show tonight. I like this lot. They got to sing with Jesse J. No, I don't know why either. Tulisa wants them to 'live in this moment'. No, I don't know what she's on about either.
Singing Please Don't Stop The Music in rather metallic outfits. It's alright but they've been better in previous weeks. I don't think they deserve to go this week but they need to improve next time.
Kelly wants them to sing acapella. Gary reckons they've raided Johnny's wardrobe. Tulisa implores me to vote for Little Mix.

Dermot reminds us of the numbers to call to vote for our favourites and also that there will be two acts leaving. We are shown clips of every performance and I am off to eat chocolate.


Saturday, 29 October 2011

X Factor (Hallowe'en)

So apparently nothing worthy of an inane ramble has happened in rather a long time.

Have decided that, since I was so hilarious when recapping the most recent series of Dancing on Ice (read my previous bloglets if you don't believe me: I was bloody hysterical), I will now turn to X Factor 2011. You are very welcome.

Tonight's show is not only the first one that I will be recapping, but it is also the Hallowe'en special ... has anyone explained this concept to Tulisa because she failed to understand the 'rock' theme last week.

Aaaand we're off. Mr. Dramatic, the narrator, announces this has been the most dramatic week EVER. On the VT Louis tells me that Kelly is ill and exclaims, "What's going to happen to the girls?" I'm sure they'll be fine Louis, you worry too much.

Dermot enters with a crowd of PVC-clad dancers. All you need know is he should stick to his day job rather than attempt to dance.

There is a lot of fuss about Kelly being unwell and resting up in LA. I am interpreting 'resting up' as 'pissed off at some of the other judges and having a sulk'.

Anywho, the first act is up. It's The Risk. One of them left. Many tears but basically one average boy band member was replaced by another average boy band member. They're singing Thriller. It's not a good start. It's not a good middle. It's not a good end.
Apparently the judges are hearing something very, VERY different because they are all extremely positive.

By the way, Tulisa is wearing a catsuit and cat ears. Just thought I'd drop that one in.

The second act is 'The People's Diva' Johnny. On the VT he wants Gary to 'get right behind him' ... insert your own lewd joke here. He is singing That Old Devil ... or something like that. It's really rather good. Just a pianist on stage with him: no ridiculous staging like there has been in previous weeks. I'm glad Louis took my advice to tone things down a bit. Good job Johnny.
Gary likes it so much he goes on stage to shake his hand. Johnny swoons.

After the ad. break Kelly Rowland (tonight played by Alexandra Burke) introduces her act, Sophie Habibibibibis. She is singing Bang Bang. I am unsure of the connection to Hallowe'en but she is singing it well despite the ridiculous Minnie Mouse style hair.
Louis tells Sophie it's like she's 'a secretary that sings at the weekend'. This is an odd analogy to use, Walsh. Tulisa disagrees and thinks she 'smashed it'. Gary calls it 'dull as dishwater'. Alexandra defends her. I lose interest.

Act number ... four (?) ... yes, four, is Marcus. I like Marcus for two reasons: 1. He is a good singer and 2. He has a Latin tattoo (which I have yet to see fully and translate). He is singing Very Superstitious. I like it. How can you not like this little guy?
Louis tells him that he has 'every-ting', Tulisa and Alexandra like the fun he has on stage, Gary likes his smile.

Misha's up next and we are reminded of last week's bullying claims. Misha wants us to know she's not a bad person. She's singing Tainted Love. Lots of mime-like puppety dancers and the obligatory over-the-top outfit for Misha. Basically it's brilliant. Vocally she's way ahead of most of the other acts. Lots of shots of Tulisa watching - she seems pissed off.
Louis and Gary love it, Tulisa gets as close to apologising without actually giving an apology for calling her a bully last week. Alexandra says something about climbing a ladder.

Janet is singing next. She likes singing upbeat songs. Everyone is supporting her back in her hometown: the VT told me.
So, despite her liking upbeat songs, Janet is singing Every Breath You Take. Is this deemed Hallowe'eny because the lyrics are slightly creepy and stalkerish? It's ok, it's not great but it's ok.
Louis finds it haunting and tries to channel Kelly by telling Janet she's got it going on. Alexandra wants to cuddle Janet and take her home. That's called kidnapping, Burke.

Oh good. Frankie is up next. I do so enjoy his performances. Apparently he is going to come out on stage and 'have it'.
Singing Should I Stay Or Should I Go (you should go Frankie, just go and party with teenage girls and don't bother me). This proves to be a good song choice as it requires a minimal amount of singing: singing is not Frankie's strong point.

'Fasten your seatbelts, it's Kitty' wise words, Louis. Kitty tells me she didn't like being in the bottom two last week.
Aaand she's on a spinning catherine wheel type contraption! Of course she is: it's Kitty. Singing Sweet Dreams. Lots of mad staging and dancers, Cruella de Ville hair and it's brilliant. Tulisa likes it, Alexandra tells Kitty she can sing, Louis overreacts ridiculously to something Alex says about Kitty being a cabaret act. SHUT UP LOUIS! STOP TALKING YOU STRANGE, LEGO-CLAPPING MAN. WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE FINAL WORD? YOU'RE LIKE A CHILD!

And breathe ... advert break number 483 and time for rice pudding. Woot.

Dermot welcomes us back to the final part of the show. Already? It's gone so quickly.

Tulisa introduces 'Little Mix' (previously Rhythmix). Oh one of them is having a body image meltdown. Unfortunately it's the one that Sarah and I refer to as 'the gremlin' and I feel a bit horrid. They're on swings and singing that new song that sounds like that Tatu song. God I'm such an old lady.

- Phone call -

Oh Craig's on singing Set Fire To The Rain. Someone please explain the Hallowe'en connection. And why is he wearing a coat? He's in a studio with hundreds of other bodies. Warm.
Alexandra tells him he has a voice. She also seems to have been taking Rowland lessons from Kelly ('You hear dat noise? You hear dat noise?)

Dermot reminds me of the numbers I must call to vote for my favourite act. Unfortunately I do not like any of them enough to part with 35 pence. If I did, I would give my vote this week to Johnny.

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Dancing on Ice, International Style

Good evening.

A quick notice before we kick off with tonight's proceedings. Ms Willoughby has recently been suffering with migraines and has been advised to rest. The part of Ms Willoughby will therefore be played by Ms Colleen Nolan in tonight's performance. Thank you.

Quick notice number two is that we are delighted to be joined once again by our guest commentator, Sarah the Groves. Or at least we will shortly be joined by Ms Groves, once she has completed building her latest house on The Sims.

Right, Dancing on Ice beginneth.

Tonight's theme: international. Ok, I'll go with it, bit of a random one but I'll go with it.

Colleen is looking suitably sparkly but she's just not Holly.

Torvill and Dean begin with a Spanish/Tango performance which seems to involve a strange sort of dance-off with another couple who aren't skating. It's all a bit weird but quite enjoyable.

Laura and Colin (USA) skating to Upside Down. (Wait a minute, they haven't introduced the judges. Poor show).
Last week they were top of the leader board. Over the weeks I've warmed to this kids' TV presenter and I actually quite like her now so fingers crossed she scores highly again tonight. Does the Charleston require such ridiculous outfits? It may well be the case that pink hair is entirely necessary but I am unconvinced. The performance, though, was very good.
Tony (the commentator): "After Dancing on Ice she wants to be the next Anneka Rice. I don't think she's got the posterior for it though has she?" Um, can he say that?
Don't worry folks, the judges have snuck in and have given her a score of 24.5

You know that part in Matilda when Matilda puts superglue around the rim of her dad's hat and he can't get it unstuck so has to wear it all the time? *ahem* Jason *ahem*

This girl on the macleans sponsorship adverts is taking a bloody long time to choose a guy to go out on a date with. They've been skating around for weeks now. I'm not sure she's really worth it guys. I'd go and get a take-away if I were you, much better plan.

Da da da da da da daaaa! Our guest commentator has arrived. Welcome Ms Groves. Come in and settle yourself down.

SarahtheGroves suggests that tonight's rather random theme may be a tribute to the Murder, She Wrote 'World Tour' marathon we have been enjoying over the weekend. I think this is most likely.

Jeff and Isabelle (Austria) skating to When I Need You.
Very smart-looking white outfits. How sensible. Here's a piece of trivia for you regarding this song: I won Will Mellor's version of this song at a disco in junior school and used to sing along to it all the time in my bedroom when I was about 8.
Oh, the song's over and all I've done is comment on their clothes and provide you with a less than interesting anecdote. Errors.
Judges' score: 22.5 (a personal best).

SarahtheGroves' favourite part was Christopher Dean saying 'awesome'.

I've just noticed that Phillip's tie is sparkly and matches Colleen's dress. This is either very adorable OR incontrovertible proof that there was an evil plot to get rid of Holly for tonight so that the tie/dress matching scenario happened.

Denise and Matt (Brazil) skating to Let's Get Loud.
Matt warns Denise to 'avoid monkey arms'. Sound advice.
Denise can slide around the ice like a drunken donkey for all I care because the song choice is FABULOUS and reminds me of dinner time in my second and third years at university when we used to play it at a ridiculous volume. Excellent, excellent times which I miss dearly.
Judges' score: 14.5
Jason's saying something rude about Denise looking like she needed an MRI scan but I'm too busy singing the song to be worried. I'm surprised that Colleen didn't punch him in the face

Vanilla Ice and Katie (Spain) skating to Like I Love You.
Remember Vanilla; flamenco, not hip-hop. Alright, off you go.
It is perhaps a little unfortunate that Torvill and Dean have already done a Spanish-themed dance this evening because Vanilla Ice's performance does not look half as good.
Tony: "Vanilla Ice once rode a bull in a rodeo and lasted 8 seconds. Well he's lasted longer this time."
Judges' score: 21.5
Jason thinks Vanilla looked like a space invader at times. Well ... at least ... at least ... he ... has ... hair Jason! (I'm way good at the comebacks).

SarahtheGroves is worried that she's being boring this week but blames this on the celebrities being boring. Fairy nuff.
SarahtheGroves is now bored and has decided to bounce around the room barking like a dog and to distract us from the Go Compare advert which has suddenly appeared on the TV, she is performing Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Marvellous.

You've got to love Mr. Schofield. Who else would agree to morris dance on national television?

Sam and Brianne (Ireland) skating to Riverdance.
Oh I'm bored of you, Sam. You're starting to annoy me. Oh dear, in dress rehearsal he dropped her on the ice. She looked rather pissed off.
This all seems a bit slow for Riverdance. I understand he can't do proper Irish dancing on ice but ...
Judges clearly don't agree with me as they've given him a score of 27.0

Bunton is looking very orange these days.

Chloe and Monsieur Francais (Turkey) skating to Kiss Kiss.
Apparently last week she had 'grotesque' hands. Monsieur Francais has forgotten his shirt. I really liked that routine, very well done Madeley.
Judges' score: 24.5
Jason gets all mardy about the audience booing.

Johnson and Jodeyne (Argentina) skating to She Drives Me Crazy.
They've trained the smile out of Johnson! This is quite distressing. Also this is a random tune to regard as a tango.
Judges' score: 14.5

So, predictions for who will be leaving later on this evening:
SarahtheGroves: Denise but with Johnson or Chloe in the bottom two with her.
Me: Denise.


Monday, 21 February 2011

Better late than never!

I know what you're thinking. It's Monday, not Sunday. Why the hell am I getting my Dancing on Ice recap a day late? Because, my lovelies, of slight essay-related issues I was having last night. Anyway you will be relieved to hear that THAT'S all dealt with so I now have time to spend on important things. Important things such as being sarcastic about a reality television programme. Excellent.
What it also means is I'm watching the show on itv player. Why is that important? I hear you cry. Well, my beauties, it means I can pause it whenever I like and actually have time to type. Woo and yay.

Let the fun begin.

First error - volume was WAY TOO LOUD and I nearly fell off the sofa from the shock of it.
Ok, I'm good to go.

The commentator informs me that this week the celebrities will be facing the ULTIMATE SKILLS TEST (he said it in a terribly dramatic way so I thought I should put it in capital letters). This means they have to incorporate jumps, spins and a step sequence into their performance. Yikes.

Ah ha ha ha! I nearly fell off the sofa for the second time in a minute, this time through laughter. Kerry's skating partner, Dan, seemed to have her attached to some sort of baby-bouncer. Brilliant.

What a lovely routine by Torvill and Dean. (Yes, of course I intended that to rhyme). Watch it here.

Forgive me, Phillip and Holly, I am fast forwarding through your first rambly bit to get to the first couple.

So, just to recap, the celebrities must include a jump, a spin and a step sequence and each will be worth a possible 2.0 points. Got it? Good. Onwards.

Oh what? You can't fast forward through the adverts? Absolute fail, itv!

First up to skate are Chloe and Mr. French (to Little Bird).
Chloe's having a strop in her video. It would be incredibly hilarious if she had a strop halfway through her routine. I fear she won't though. Damn you, Chloe.
Meh. Nothing special. NEXT! Oh yes, the judges' score: 18.5
What the chickens is Jason Gardiner wearing? I'm surprised the Grange Hill theme tune isn't played every time he's on camera. I wonder if I can find a picture ... one moment please ...
Not a picture from last night's show in his splended school-boy blazer, but it amused me.
You know what I've noticed recently? Emma Bunton says "For me" A LOT and it's starting to annoy me. Let's keep a tally of the number of times she says it tonight. So far? One.

Johnson and Jodeyne are skating next (to She Will Be Loved).
Crikey, he's aiming for a score of 20 this week. Ambitious. He's going to try and lift her above his head. I haven't seen or heard anything in the news to suggest that there was a horrific accident so I'm assuming that things will be ok.
Aww, very sweet routine (and no, he didn't drop her on her head, phew).
Judges' score: 14.5
("for me" tally: 2)

Laura and Colin (skating to Stop - unfortunately not the Spice Girls' song).
And for the third time this evening I nearly fell of the sofa (again through laughter). A dance expert has been enlisted to help with the routine and it's none other than Andrew Stone off of Pineapple Studios fame! (The joker at the start of this clip).
Well played, Laura, well played.
Judges' score: 25.5
("for me" tally: 3)

Jeff and Isabelle (skating to Forget You, which incidentally I have decided I want to learn on the ukulele).
The spin seems to be causing him trouble but it's ok because it went wrong in dress rehearsal and therefore will definitely be fine in the live performance. Yep, the spin was fine. Told you. Judges' score: 16.0
Jason's started to catch the "for me" disease.
Oooh oooh oooh potential Karen/Jason confrontation ... ah shucks it came to nothing.

Denise and Matt (skating to True Colours).
Just in case you forgot, the celebs have to do a jump, a spin and a step sequence. Thanks for reminding me, Denise, because it had slipped my mind since the last time I was told 30 seconds ago.
I doubt very much that Denise will ever read my bloglets, but well done missus, good performance!
Judges' score: 16.5 - her highest score.

Sam and Brianne (skating to She Said).
Holy mackrel, mother of pearl he nearly killed her! She was so close to the ice that she kept putting her arm out to protect her. Dear Torvill and Dean, don't let him do that again!
Judges' score: 24.5

Kerry and Dan are up next and I am most intrigued to find out what the baby bouncer clip at the start of the show was all about.
Christopher Dean: "The ultimate skills test does leave those that are not very good at it completely exposed." Please substitute the words 'those that are not very good at it' for 'Kerry', thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Karen: "For Kerry, the jump is a real leap of faith." Chortle chortle. 'Leap' of faith. Good one, Karen.
Ok, so the baby bouncer is actually a 'jump harness' to help when learning a new jump. To be honest I think Karen's making it up to make Kerry look foolish. Excellent work Karen.
(Skating to Hush hush).
Tony the commentator: "As part of Atomic Kitten, Kerry had a UK number one single 10 years ago today. She's not hoping to finish so high tonight though." Tony, you are my new best friend.
Judges' score: 9.0
Jason to Kerry: "You've been skating for three months now and I have to question what you've actually been doing in that time." Meeeeeooow.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting for. Vanilla Ice skating to Ice Ice Baby. Watch it here.
Judges' score: 22.5 - his highest.
Robin called it the best overall performance of the night. I think I would probably agree Mr. Cousins.

Well that concludes tonight's recap. I hope it was both informative and entertaining. See you next week!

(P.S. Kerry got booted out ... *tiny victory dance*)

Sunday, 13 February 2011

"Sometimes I really do wish I had monkey feet"

Good evening, good evening, good evening. Welcome to this, my tenth, bloglet.

Yep, you guessed it, it's another Dancing on Ice live commentary bloglet. This week we are honoured to be joined by our guest commentator, Miss Sarah Groves, who has not seen any of this series and will therefore be an unbiased panelist.We hope you enjoy the bloglet.

So, this week's theme is musical theatre. Perfect for Sarah!

FYI this week's required skill is a jump. Should be interesting.

Jeff and Isabelle are starting the show. Torvill tells me the jumps seem to be a massive hurdle for him. This suggests to me there will be more than one jump, which in turn increases the chance of him falling over. Skating to All I Ask Of You (Phantom of the Opera).
That jump was pitiful, Brazier.
Sarah says: Is the celebrity the man?
Judges' score: 22.0. A personal best.
Jason didn't see enough tenderness and thinks Jeff looked like he was waiting for a bus.

Breaking news: Jason is not wearing a hat this week. Oh I can't lie to you. Of course he is. Black and white checked. I found out why he always wears a hat. It's to keep some of the snarky comments locked up inside him.

Denise and Matt. Denise reminds me that this week's skill is a jump. She then informs me that she's a very busy lady. Aren't we all, Denise? ... well I suppose we're not all ladies ....
Skating to Roxie (Chicago).
Ah, there are the jumps! Kind of a 'blink and you missed it' thing.
Judges' score: 13.0
Jason likes Denise' bum but thinks her arms are like windscreen wipers.

Sam and his girlfriend. Sam tells me there are a lot of places to slip up in this routine. Heh. Slip up. Ice. Very clever.
Skating to Crash, Bang, Whallop (Half a sixpence).
This is brilliant! A 'signature performance', Tony says.
Judges' score: 25.5
Sarah says: Who sang Right Said Fred? [I looked it up and, if you're wondering, it was Bernard Cribbins. Here's a lego version].

Ooh, professional skaters, skating to Defying Gravity (Wicked). Oh they sneakily attached the female skaters to the wires during the performance.
Regarding the final notes of the song, Sarah says: Not the notes I would have gone with but ...
Upon finding out that the woman playing Elphaba was Rachel Tucker, whom she hated in BBC's I'd Do
Anything, Sarah says: Oh THAT'S why she sucked at the last note.

Oh. Katona. Skating to There's No Business Like Showbusiness.
Outfit is horrible. God I dislike this woman.
Sarah says: Did she just have a sneaky wave at her children? (I do not know, Miss Groves, did she?)
Judges' score: 12.0 Kerry is happy with this because she does a tiny victory dance.
Sarah says: Shut up. (She also dislikes Kerry).
Jason disses her skating and there are no boos from the audience. Heh.

Advert break musings from Sarah: You know Kerry? I don't want to be rude (which means she's about to be very rude) but, I liked her when she was in the jungle and I was happy she was queen of the jungle, but I feel like everything she's done since the jungle serves as quite a good advert as to why we shouldn't take certain 'creatures' out of the jungle.


Chloe and French partner. Skating to On My Own (Les Miserables).
Sarah says: I love this song, but before I knew the song I thought the man was dressed as a pirate.
Pitiful jumps, Madeley.
At the end of the performance Sarah says: Face acting!
Tony says that if she carries this on, she could be on screen more often than her parents. Are her parents still on screen Tony? Errors.
Judges' score: 22.0
One of the Jedwards is sitting in front of Richard and Judy. Lucky them.
Jason says there wasn't enough light and shade in the execution of the choreography. W.T.F?

Johnson and Jodeyne. Oh the controversy of last week! This is completely ignored in the video, damn you Dancing on Ice producers!
Skating to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life (Spamalot).
Oh Johnson, you're such a dad-dancer. I love you. Come on Jason, you've got to love that!
Judges' score: 15.0
Christopher Dean says Johnson's been on an amazing journey. Ugh, journey-talk again.

Sarah's worried we're going to witness a death on live television when Vanilla Ice jumps over his skating partner.

Vanilla Ice. "If anything went wrong obviously I'd slice her in half". Obviously Vanilla. Skating to Born to Handjive (Grease).
You will be glad to hear that Vanilla Ice did NOT kill his skating partner. Phewphies.
Judges' score: 21.0. Personal best.
Jason says a little bit of Vanilla Ice is melting away. The Jedwards in the audience heckle at this point, undoubtedly saying something incredibly intelligent and profound but the microphones didn't pick it up. Shame.

Comedy Dave and the poodle. Skating to Aquarius (Hair).
Sarah says: I'm glad he's got a wig. That's fun.
This is pretty horrible but someone cackled in the audience so they're clearly enjoying it.
Interesting lift name: The Revelation Wrap.
Judges' score: 12.5. Personal best.
Jason's spouting crap again. Something about contracting and releasing in the body.

Sarah says: I am very very hungry now.

Laura and Colin. Sarah reckons it'll be from Legally Blonde. I reckon this also. Will they manage the crazy backflip?
Skating to You Can't Stop The Beat (Hairspray). Awesome song.
Sarah says: Although the face acting really does offend me, I find myself strangely drawn to them.
Judges' score: 25.5. Equal top with Sam et girlfriend.

Sarah says: I like .... Torvill's dress. (She took approximately 4 seconds to work out which was which).

Sarah says: When's Wild At Heart starting? (Soon, my lovely, soon).

Sunday, 6 February 2011

We really should stop meeting like this.

Gooooood evening my adoring fans. How the devil are you? Had a good week? Good. Good. Me? Not bad, thanks. Bit of essay-writing, bit of school, bit of socialising. Can't complain really. Anyway, we must stop this idol chit-chat for Dancing on Ice commenceth.

I like the Dancing on Ice theme music but I feel there is room for improvement. There should be words to sing along to. Here is my suggestion (to be sung to the tune of Wicked's Dancing Through Life):
Dancing on Ice,
With Phillip and Holly,
Kerry's still in? Boo-ooo
How's she still here?
Won't she dis'ppear?

That's as much as I've got so far.

The preview video informs me that this week the celebrities must skate by themselves. You hear that, Katona? That means without clinging onto your partner.

Torvill and Dean are skating! And the professionals are skating! (To Copacabana for this week is Vegas week). Oh my word, T&D somehow managed a costume change halfway through the routine! They're magic!

Holly is very sparkly this week. I think she is 82% sparkle, which is approximately 5% too much.

Jennifer (whom, for no apparent reason, I do not like) and Sylvain are skating first to If I Could Turn Back Time. These two are very sparkly tonight as well. Not as much as Willoughbooby though. The sequence of them skating alone was alright. Judges' score: 19.0

Is Jason working for a flat cap company this year? It's a bit of a boring one this week, folks. He could have put a bit more effort into it and gone for a sparkly one to fit in with everyone else.

Jeff and Isabelle are up. They fell over last week. Don't do it again, Brazier. They're skating to It's Not Unusual. I hope he puts in a few Carlton (off of Fresh Prince of Bel Air) moves. The independent skating has gone well. Good performance, Jeff, could it be his highest score?
Judges' score: 20.0 - by far his best score of the series.

Laura and Colin. Their challenge this week is the Spiral Lift. She's already sliced his leg open in rehearsals. Will there be blood tonight? Skating to It's all coming back to me now. She's a bit shaky but managed not to amputate any legs. It's annoying me that the man ... um ... Colin is wearing white trousers and a white top with black skates.
Judges' score: 24.0 - another personal best. Laura 'moved' Jason tonight. Ugh, puke.

Denise and Matt. Oh MAN UP Denise and get on with it. Oh, she fell during dress rehearsal. I'm thinking she might repeat it tonight. Skating to S'wonderful. I like it so far, very cute, but no solo skating yet ... here it comes peeps ... still standing ... still standing ... still standing ... and finished! Congratuwelldones for staying upright, Denise.
Judges' score: 13.5 which is an improvement on last week.

Bunton's looking suspiciously tanned this week. Maybe it's a glow from pregnancy. Jason's being complementary of Denise but, alas, she didn't move him like Laura did. Ah well.

Comedy Dave and Frankie. He has long days what with having to get up early. Dislike the mint green outfits. Skating to Please Release Me. I'm sorry to say it's all a bit dull ... but Frankie messed up! Frankie messed up! The poodle-faced so-and-so fell over! Made. My. Night.
Judges' score: 11.0

[Dinner time. Commentary will commence shortly]

Vanilla Ice skated to Blue Suede Shoes and yes, he did indeed have blue suede skates on. Judges' score: 16.0 Jason told him off for mouthing the words.

Johnson and Jodeyne. He seems to be struggling with 'forward' and 'backwards'. Skating to Piano Man. He's skating fairly well but, unfortunately for him, my dad has decided to sing along and this does the performance no favours. Amusing lift name: Assisted Death Spiral.
Judges' score: 12.0 He's getting emotional about something. Jason's being rude. Karen's crying. Oh my god, Jason to Karen: If your opinion still mattered you'd be on the panel.
Jason, you may have just lost even more friends there, mate.
[For anyone who missed it, here is the moment Jason crossed the line]

Sam and his girlfriend are skating next. They've gone to a Frank Sinatra impersonator who told them to 'listen to the music'. Wow. Insightful. Skating to  I Get A Kick Out Of You. He is basically this year's Ray. Without the annoying trait of being Ray. He makes it look so easy.
Judges' score: 25.5
Interesting lift name: The Arched Float Spin.

Katona. She's apparently not enjoying it as much. Then LEAVE. Two of her billion children have turned up to the practice rink. Skating to Woman in Love. Thirty seconds in and no solo skating ... a minute in and no solo skating ... oh, approximately ten seconds of awful solo skating. Leave now, Katona.
Interesting lift name: Flying Gondola.
Judges' score: 10.0
Kerry informs me 'this is a journey'. Leave. NOW. Kerry.

Chloe and Michael. Apparently the entire routine is a step sequence. T&D skated to the music years ago. Skating to In the Mood. Awesome piece of music. She's a bit wobbly, c'mon Maddely. Hmm, I think they built it up too much because I wasn't overly impressed, I have to admit.
Judges' score: 22.0 I was clearly wrong.

Well, that's the end of another DOI. I'm sorry, I don't think I was as amusing as previous weeks. Will try harder next week.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Oh look, it's Sunday night again.

Another Sunday another Dancing on Ice bloglet.

The big news this week is that the 'ice panel' won't be choosing which celebrity will leave the competition; the rest of the celebrities will ... dun dun DUN! This is, of course, a complete fail of a decision by the show's producers because there is no way that this bunch of so-called celebrities will be able to make a decision without MUCH FAFFINGS. Especially you, Katona.

Anyway, Chloe 'the nose' is skating first. Christopher Dean tells me that because she did so well with the perilously dangerous lift last week, he's giving her another one. Excellent.
Ha ha! The pair of them look ridiculous in their black leather outfits. Blimey, they're both rather revealing actually. This is family television, isn't it? Anywho, they're skating to I Love Rock and Roll. The lift (I didn't catch the name, but it seems to involve Chloe hanging off her partner's neck by her ankles) is going well ... yep, neck is still intact and she's safely back on the ice. Good start to the show, Chloe. Judges' score: 19.5

Little aside: I am disappointed that Jane Torvill is wearing a long, floaty, non-ice skating dress tonight. Clearly they're not going to be performing until a few more of the celebrities have left. Grover does not like.

Don't worry, folks, Jason's got another flat cap for this week's show. A little tartan number. What is he trying to hide under there? I suspect it's some sort of hideous skin disease. I'll book you an appointment on 'Embarrassing Bodies' Jason, don't you worry, we'll get this sorted.

Advert break. Man I want a BlackBerry Torch. It has buttons AND slides AND has a touch screen.

Aaaand we're back. Johnson is second to skate (to Bob Marley's One Love). This, of course, means that he has to go to ballet lessons ...
Ok, there is a slight improvement in his dancing skills this week but he is definitely still firmly in the 'dad dancing' category, folks. Nice little routine. Not particularly interesting but Tony, the commentator, informs me that he performed a lift called the 'jerk chicken plank' which is now my favourite lift name. Judges' score: 13.0

Another little aside: I heard on the radio today that Blue will be representing the UK at Eurovision this year because they're apparently back together. When did we lose the right to choose who represents us? I never voted but having the option to do so was always nice.

Jeff's skating next. He wants to do a big lift. It probably won't have as good a name as the 'jerk chicken plank'. Skating to Better Together.
Oh no! Ultimate fail! They both fell over! He was skating on one leg, with the other in the air (Christopher Dean will later tell me this is known as an arabesque) and she had to copy and skate underneath but he didn't lift the leg high enough and they both fell. He managed to get through the rest of the routine though. Judges' score: 12.5

Jason's hat is starting to annoy me. He's wearing a black suit with a white shirt. On what planet does it make sense to finish off the outfit with a tartan flat cap?

Kerry's next. Skating to Disturbia. Holy mackrel this woman irritates me. If she were to wear Jason's hat I would probably start throwing things at the television.
Fall over ... fall over ... fall over ...My mind control techniques don't seem to be working. This is all very slow and boring, Katona, and there's not much skating on your own. Interesting lift name: The rotating back stag. Judges' scores: 10.0. This is apparently lower than previous weeks. Jason thinks she's using her partner as a crutch. Heh. Crutch. Sounds like crotch.
Oh, I turned away for approximately 1.4 seconds and Karen and Jason are having a domestic.

Who is skating next? I pretend to hear you cry. Vanilla Ice, of course! Now, in the 'coming up in the show' preview earlier there were shots of blood pouring down his face ...
He fell on his face. Completely. On. His. Face. Blood everywhere. Ew.
Skating to a Bon Jovi song. Always? Oh bless him, he's singing along to it!
Not bad, Mr. Ice, but not great, however, I don't think I'd be great if I had smashed my face on the ice. Judges' score: 16.0

TV Burp is back for a new series! I'm clearly not going to be doing anything productive on Sunday evenings.

Dominic the ... er ... cricketer is next to skate. Freddie Flintoff has come to visit him at the practice rink. No, I don't know why either.
Skating to I Can See For Miles. Oh I like this song, it's on Rock Band 3. I'm pretty good at it. I think I can play it on 'expert'. Hmm? Oh yes, the skating. It's not particularly interesting but they do have Union Jack costumes on so that's nice. Interesting lift name: The Spirit of Ecstasy lift. Judges' score: 11.0

Ah, Laura the TV presenter is skating to something with a little Latin flavour this week. Incidentally, I have been informed that she is a children's TV presenter. This is why I don't recognise her. She's doing a 'wrist ripper' move. She doesn't half make it look difficult. Didn't go well in dress rehearsal. Keep your fingers crossed, ladies and germs. Skating to Whenever Wherever (or t'other way round). Skating's pretty good, actually and she JUST about managed to stay upright for the wrist ripper. Really, really JUST about managed it. Judges' score: 20.0

Oh, this new Save the Children advert breaks my heart every time I see it.

Back from the ads and Jennifer and Sylvain are skating. I don't really like her. He, on the other hand is very nice to look at. I missed the name of the song they're skating to ... I know it ... what's it called? This is going to annoy me. Well, whatever it's called, it's a love song. They're doing well but, because I don't like her, I'm not interested. Apparently there was a 'teapot' lift at one point. Judges' score: 18.5 Jason's criticising her acting skills. Heh. She's an actress having her acting skills criticised.

Denise and Matt. Oh god I'd forgotten about those outfits from last week. Dear oh dear. Anyway, moving on.

[At this point the author had to have dinner]

10.0 from the judges.

Sam the wonder boy. Skating to Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Brilliant routine. Judges' score: 25.0 Phil's just announced for them that they're now going out! Jason's called him 'skating viagra'. Goodness me it's all going on.

Comedy Dave is skating to Achy Breaky Heart. Fantastic. His daughter is waaay cute. She called him 'super duper ace'. Ah ha ha ha ha ha he has cowboy-boot-skates. Judges' score: 11.0

Right, that concludes tonight's recap of Dancing on Ice. Well done for getting through it. I'm off to watch another amazing episode of Wild at Heart. Last week's preview showed skinny dipping and someone being chased by a lion. Brilliant.

Will probably add a comment at some point with information about the skate-off.


Sunday, 23 January 2011

Dancing On Ice. All 2.3 hours of it.

Hello hello.

Dancing on Ice is on tonight. I have decided to write a bloglet about it in real time (this means it jumps around all over the place, apologies). Here it is.

Holly looks a bit like a Greek goddess tonight in her white dress. I think I like it. Yes, I do like it. Well done Willoughby, good choice.

My god it's taken approximately two years to introduce all the skaters. It's going to be a long night, folks.

So, the judges' scores actually count this week. Good, finally there is an actual point to them being in the studio. Although, I still do not like or understand why the scores are suddenly out of 10 rather than 6. Has the scoring system changed for professional skating competitions or do producers think we can't handle a score out of 6?

Oh oh oh, I must interupt this rant because Vanilla Ice is about to skate.
Mr. Ice has very dark hair. Perhaps I am only noticing it because he is usually surgically attached to his baseball cap.
Oh my, a different hat! Mr. Ice looks very dashing this week in his sparkly top hat. Goshies.
Well he is one cool customer. Very well done. 6.5 out of 10. [Judges gave him 15].

Wait a minute, when do Torvill and Dean skate? They seem to have shoes on rather than skates. Grover Mauve does not like.

FYI Jason's 'thing' for this series seems to be flatcaps. I prefered the ridiculous ties to be honest.

BREAKING NEWS: Emma just announced her engagement. Congratulations and all that jazz but why the hell are you announcing it on Dancing on Ice? Random, Bunton, random.

Ok, Chloe 'the nose' Madeley is up next. Apparently she's doing some scary lift which involves her standing on her partner's legs without slicing them. Cue the unnecessarily dramatic music. Will he end the dance with both legs? Only time will tell ...
N.B. She's skating to Miley Cyrus' The Climb (#fail).
Well he still SEEMS to have legs ... 7.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 19]. "If you want to see Chloe in next week's showy then vote for her when lines open". Dear oh dear oh dear, Schofield.

Who's next? Ah, Denise Welch who last week was described as looking like she was skating with her son. (Skating to ABBA's Gimme Gimme Gimme). Wow. Campest outfits ever. The guy she's skating with is wearing a gold crop top. No joke. I can't concentrate on their skating.
I don't think I can score that, I was so shocked by the clothes. [Judges gave 9].

Dominic ... something to do with cricket apparently ... zzz ... bored ... is skating next. Torvill tells me they've given him the 'death spiral' at the end of the routine. If it goes wrong will it actually end in actual death? Ok, I'm going to be good and concentrate on the skating this time ... (skating to Robbie Williams' Feel).
Oimoi no death at the end of the death spiral. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.5]. Jason's told him what was missing from his routine was 'a yellow brick road'. I do not understand. I think the flatcap is too tight.

What's the deal with these Macleans sponsorship adverts by the way?

Someone else I don't know or care about is skating next. Laura somebody. Apparently she's a television presenter. Of what, exactly? Something crappy, no doubt.
I have no idea why I dislike her so much! (Skating to Kylie's All The Lovers).
7.5 out of 10. If I liked you more, Laura, it would have been 8.0. [Judges gave 19.5].
"Laura is as enthusiastic as a labrador puppy chasing a loo roll." Says voice over man (Tony?) What a description.
LMAO! Jason just described her legs as 'stumpy' - brilliant!

Steven who either is, or used to be, on Coronation Street next.
Naughty boy, he didn't turn up to choreography. I think he'd better leave the competition now. No one insults the mighty Torvill and Dean by not turning up to practice and gets away with it. (Skating to Freedom Of The Night). Ha ha, he looks like a moron doing his dance moves, I think T&D got their revenge.
3.5 out of 10. [Judges gave 7.0 - ouch].
"You're a natural. Disaster." Another corker from Jason.

Jeff (who had two kids with Jade Goody) dancing to Jackson 5's I Want You Back. I like the purple outfits. This is a good start, Mr. Jeff. Bit of a wobble on one of the spins but he managed not to drop his skating partner. 5.0 out of 10. [Judges gave 11.0].

Missed Comedy Dave. [Judges gave 9.5].

Jennifer from Hollyoaks who just described getting through the skate-off as 'like having a baby'. She is therefore a moron. Oh my god she sliced her own leg open in rehearsals! I'm eating here! Did not need to see her bloody leg. [Judges gave 19.5].

Sam (last week's wonder boy) ... from Hollyoaks ...? Skating to Stop And Stare.
Ok, this guy is this year's Ray Quinn without the annoyance factor. [Judges gave 25].

I'm starting to get bored of this. When's Wild At Heart going to be on?

Ok, army guy. Johnson. With broken finger (due to an ice skate falling off a table and onto his hand? Dude, you have to make up a better story than that). Oh geez he has pretty much no rhythm ... skating's not bad ... just don't let him dance T&D ... speaking of T&D, when are they going to skate for me? [Judges gave 13.0].

God, how many more are there to go? Oh, just Kerry Katona. Joyous.
"I'm in Dancing on Ice, can you believe it?" No, Kerry, I can't actually. Be a dear and leave, would you? Dear god this woman is loud and annoying and shrieky and shrill. Skating to Respect. (Side note on the outfits - you know when you've been Tango-d).
5.0 out of 10 for skating, minus 4.5 for the annoyance factor, I give you 0.5 out of 10, Katona. [Judges gave 14.0].

Well, that's it folks. All 2 hours and 20 minutes of Dancing on Ice succinctly recapped for you. A constant supply of alcoholic beverages would possibly have helped.

I'm off to watch the brilliant 'Wild at Heart'. Maybe if you're lucky I'll recap the Dancing on Ice results later.

Toodle pops.

P.S. Seriously, when's the Torvill and Dean dancing going to happen?

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Bloglet Number Six. Unless I've miscounted, in which case it's not.

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night,

Goshies, 15 days since my last bloglet. How have you coped? The answer, I suspect, is that you have not been able to cope and have, in fact, gone slightly mad due to a lack of blogletty fun. You will have undoubtedly had to find other ways to amuse yourselves while you were not being entertained by my hilarious bloglets. Such activities probably included creating a mosaic using coco pops and rice krispies, alphabetising the contents of your fridge and counting the remaining staples in your stapler (all worthwhile activities).

Well, my friends, the time has come for you to put down the breakfast cereals, close the fridge door and cease the staple-counting, for today is the day you have all been waiting for. Today, comrades, you receive the gift, and indeed honour, of reading Bloglet Number Six. You're welcome. (No need for you to send thank you cards, a few words expressing your continued awe of my amazing writing skills will be sufficient).

In a previous bloglet I commented on my plans to do much more cooking this year. The first dish on the agenda was Thai fish cakes. (Link is below if you're interested in trying them out).

The end product was actually rather good (I'm afraid you will have to take my word for it because I forgot to take pictures). Slight stressings along the way included: the fact that my fishy mixture seemed too liquidy and was therefore rather reluctant to be moulded into a fish cake shape; the tendancy for the fish cakes to fall apart as I turned them over in the pan and constantly having cold, fishy, fish cake mixture over my hands.

However, as previously mentioned, the final product was very pleasing, especially as I served mine with chips and peas (not a cucumber salad as suggested).

I also managed not to poison anyone. This is always a good thing.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Bloglets are so much easier to write when you copy from a book

Evening all.

Bloglet number two in as many days. Aren't you the lucky ones?

Bit of a change from the usual rants for today's bloglet as I thought I'd bring some literature into the proceedings. A couple of days ago I started reading a book a friend gave me for Christmas (Night Train to Lisbon by Pascal Mercier) and yesterday I read a passage which made me smile. When I woke up this morning I was still thinking about it and so decided to share it with you.

I realise how horribly cheesy that sounds, but for some reason the passage struck a chord with me. Anyway, here it is:

It was years since he had been in the Spanish bookshop on  Hirschengraben. Once, every now and then, he had bought a book for Florence that she had needed for her dissertation on San Juan de la Cruz. On the bus, he had sometimes leafed through it, but at home he had never touched her books. Spanish - that was her territory. It was like Latin and yet completely different from Latin, and that bothered him. It went against the grain with him that words in which Latin was so evident came out of contemporary mouths - on the streets, in supermarkets, in cafes; that they were used to order Coke, to haggle and to curse. He found the idea hard to bear and brushed it quickly aside whenever it came to him. Naturally, the Romans had also haggled and cursed. But that was different. He loved the Latin sentences because they bore the calm of everything past. Because they didn't make you say something. Because they were speech beyond talk. And because they were beautiful in their immutability. Dead languages - people who talked about them like that had no idea, really no idea, and Gregorius could be harsh and unbending in his contempt for them. When Florence spoke Spanish on the phone, he had to close the door. That offended her and he couldn't explain why.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Good evening my beauteous followers.

You may have noticed that I have not written any new bloglets recently. This is because I had nothing interesting to inform you of. Having read this bloglet, you may argue that this is still the case. If this is your opinion I must point out that it is, in fact, incorrect.

The idea for today's bloglet arose from a recent journey. Allow me, if you will, to set the scene.

As the winter sun began to set on a chilly January afternoon, a young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher was driving home from university. It had been a long day of seminars for the young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher (well, actually it hadn't; she had only had four hours of English and Maths, but the Maths had been rather taxing due to other trainees on her table struggling with algebra, which meant that she had to keep explaining things to them).
When the trainee was almost home she caught up to a long line of cars travelling rather slowly along the main road. She sighed to herself as she switched from fifth to third gear. She glanced down at the speedometer; 34mph in a 50mph zone.

Readers should note that this young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee is normally a rather placid individual and one not often afflicted with road rage. However, on the evening in question, certain circumstances demanded that she get home fairly rapidly (she was busting for a pee).

Having been presented with no opportunity to overtake the leading car, the trainee was very relieved when the long line of cars eventually reached the village of her destination. She smiled to herself as she spotted the 40mph speed limit signs, knowing that she would soon reach a toilet and be relieved of her watery burden (too far?). To her surprise, the car which was leading the line and was therefore the cause of the delay in her journey, did not slow down upon reaching the 40mph signs. It sped up and began to pull away from the line of following cars. Had the car driven slowly in both the 50 and 40mph zones it would perhaps have been less irksome.

Thus we reach the topic of today's bloglet; people who annoy me while driving.

I have decided that it would be better for everyone involved if annoying people, such as the one described in the above scenario who was apparently oblivious to speed limits, were not permitted to drive.
Annoying people will, obviously, still need to travel. I propose that a fleet of buses be made in order to ferry annoying people to and from their destinations. This would not only cut down on the number of cars on the roads (dramatically, judging by the number of annoying drivers I encounter), but it would also eliminate annoying drivers from driving annoyingly on our roads.

Drivers who were deemed annoying (see below) would have to surrender their car to the authorities and would, in exchange, receive a bus pass for the Annoyance-Buses.

Clearly, when (yes, 'when', not 'if') this scheme is put into practice, we will need a scientific way of determining whether an individual is an annoying driver or not. Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen, as I have created an ingenius method of doing so. Drivers will be expected to answer the following questions:

1. Do you drive a white van?
2. Do you reguarly drive more than 15mph below the speed limit?
3. If you drive a lorry, do you decide to overtake another lorry travelling at 59mph along a dual carriageway when your vehicle has a maximum speed of 60mph?
4. When driving around an unfamiliar area, do you spend 2 miles with your right indicator on, having slowed to 20mph, only to find the turning you were looking for is on the left?

If they answer 'yes' to any of the above questions, drivers will be deemed annoying.

So, there you have it, another world-wide problem solved by yours truly. You're welcome.

Post scripta - the amazingly wonderful trainee teacher did make it to the toilet in time but there was a bit of a flappy, penguin dance when she couldn't undo the buttons on her coat.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Greetings and a very happy new year to you. I hope 2011 is fantasically awesome for you. Incidentally, is it pronounced 'two thousand and eleven' or 'twenty eleven'? I am most confused by the whole thing and would appreciate some guidance to prevent me embarrassing myself terribly at social functions. Yes, of course I am constantly attending social functions which require me to refer to the year, you ninny.

So, seeing as this is my first bloglet of the year, I have a number of resolutions to inform you of/bore you with:

1. Attain QTS (Qualified Teacher Status). Quite an important one, hence its position at Number One. Should be achievable ... should be.

2. Know more stuff. Whilst playing Trivial Pursuit recently, I discovered that I do not know a lot of stuff. I aim to put this right by learning lots more stuff so that next time I play I am amazing.

3. Be able to cook. My current culinary repetoire is rather pitiful; it contains spaghetti bolognaise, curries and not much else. I have planned my first kitchen endeavour of the year already; Thai fishcakes (thank you, Mr. Worrall Thompson). Keep an eye open for a blogletty review.

4. Read more. Time constraints could make this tricky; people keep telling me the PGCE year is the most stressful and packed year of your life. Having a mother who was a librarian helps though, since I rarely have to buy books and can borrow from her extensive collection.

5. Win the lottery. I had four resolutions and thought five would be a better number. Winning the lottery would always be useful.

Well, those are my resolutions. Pretty solid ones I think you'll agree. Do you have any?