Thursday, 6 January 2011

Good evening my beauteous followers.

You may have noticed that I have not written any new bloglets recently. This is because I had nothing interesting to inform you of. Having read this bloglet, you may argue that this is still the case. If this is your opinion I must point out that it is, in fact, incorrect.

The idea for today's bloglet arose from a recent journey. Allow me, if you will, to set the scene.

As the winter sun began to set on a chilly January afternoon, a young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher was driving home from university. It had been a long day of seminars for the young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee teacher (well, actually it hadn't; she had only had four hours of English and Maths, but the Maths had been rather taxing due to other trainees on her table struggling with algebra, which meant that she had to keep explaining things to them).
When the trainee was almost home she caught up to a long line of cars travelling rather slowly along the main road. She sighed to herself as she switched from fifth to third gear. She glanced down at the speedometer; 34mph in a 50mph zone.

Readers should note that this young, talented and totally gorgeous trainee is normally a rather placid individual and one not often afflicted with road rage. However, on the evening in question, certain circumstances demanded that she get home fairly rapidly (she was busting for a pee).

Having been presented with no opportunity to overtake the leading car, the trainee was very relieved when the long line of cars eventually reached the village of her destination. She smiled to herself as she spotted the 40mph speed limit signs, knowing that she would soon reach a toilet and be relieved of her watery burden (too far?). To her surprise, the car which was leading the line and was therefore the cause of the delay in her journey, did not slow down upon reaching the 40mph signs. It sped up and began to pull away from the line of following cars. Had the car driven slowly in both the 50 and 40mph zones it would perhaps have been less irksome.

Thus we reach the topic of today's bloglet; people who annoy me while driving.

I have decided that it would be better for everyone involved if annoying people, such as the one described in the above scenario who was apparently oblivious to speed limits, were not permitted to drive.
Annoying people will, obviously, still need to travel. I propose that a fleet of buses be made in order to ferry annoying people to and from their destinations. This would not only cut down on the number of cars on the roads (dramatically, judging by the number of annoying drivers I encounter), but it would also eliminate annoying drivers from driving annoyingly on our roads.

Drivers who were deemed annoying (see below) would have to surrender their car to the authorities and would, in exchange, receive a bus pass for the Annoyance-Buses.

Clearly, when (yes, 'when', not 'if') this scheme is put into practice, we will need a scientific way of determining whether an individual is an annoying driver or not. Do not fear, ladies and gentlemen, as I have created an ingenius method of doing so. Drivers will be expected to answer the following questions:

1. Do you drive a white van?
2. Do you reguarly drive more than 15mph below the speed limit?
3. If you drive a lorry, do you decide to overtake another lorry travelling at 59mph along a dual carriageway when your vehicle has a maximum speed of 60mph?
4. When driving around an unfamiliar area, do you spend 2 miles with your right indicator on, having slowed to 20mph, only to find the turning you were looking for is on the left?

If they answer 'yes' to any of the above questions, drivers will be deemed annoying.

So, there you have it, another world-wide problem solved by yours truly. You're welcome.

Post scripta - the amazingly wonderful trainee teacher did make it to the toilet in time but there was a bit of a flappy, penguin dance when she couldn't undo the buttons on her coat.

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