Another Sunday another Dancing on Ice bloglet.
The big news this week is that the 'ice panel' won't be choosing which celebrity will leave the competition; the rest of the celebrities will ... dun dun DUN! This is, of course, a complete fail of a decision by the show's producers because there is no way that this bunch of so-called celebrities will be able to make a decision without MUCH FAFFINGS. Especially you, Katona.
Anyway, Chloe 'the nose' is skating first. Christopher Dean tells me that because she did so well with the perilously dangerous lift last week, he's giving her another one. Excellent.
Ha ha! The pair of them look ridiculous in their black leather outfits. Blimey, they're both rather revealing actually. This is family television, isn't it? Anywho, they're skating to I Love Rock and Roll. The lift (I didn't catch the name, but it seems to involve Chloe hanging off her partner's neck by her ankles) is going well ... yep, neck is still intact and she's safely back on the ice. Good start to the show, Chloe. Judges' score: 19.5
Little aside: I am disappointed that Jane Torvill is wearing a long, floaty, non-ice skating dress tonight. Clearly they're not going to be performing until a few more of the celebrities have left. Grover does not like.
Don't worry, folks, Jason's got another flat cap for this week's show. A little tartan number. What is he trying to hide under there? I suspect it's some sort of hideous skin disease. I'll book you an appointment on 'Embarrassing Bodies' Jason, don't you worry, we'll get this sorted.
Advert break. Man I want a BlackBerry Torch. It has buttons AND slides AND has a touch screen.
Aaaand we're back. Johnson is second to skate (to Bob Marley's One Love). This, of course, means that he has to go to ballet lessons ...
Ok, there is a slight improvement in his dancing skills this week but he is definitely still firmly in the 'dad dancing' category, folks. Nice little routine. Not particularly interesting but Tony, the commentator, informs me that he performed a lift called the 'jerk chicken plank' which is now my favourite lift name. Judges' score: 13.0
Another little aside: I heard on the radio today that Blue will be representing the UK at Eurovision this year because they're apparently back together. When did we lose the right to choose who represents us? I never voted but having the option to do so was always nice.
Jeff's skating next. He wants to do a big lift. It probably won't have as good a name as the 'jerk chicken plank'. Skating to Better Together.
Oh no! Ultimate fail! They both fell over! He was skating on one leg, with the other in the air (Christopher Dean will later tell me this is known as an arabesque) and she had to copy and skate underneath but he didn't lift the leg high enough and they both fell. He managed to get through the rest of the routine though. Judges' score: 12.5
Jason's hat is starting to annoy me. He's wearing a black suit with a white shirt. On what planet does it make sense to finish off the outfit with a tartan flat cap?
Kerry's next. Skating to Disturbia. Holy mackrel this woman irritates me. If she were to wear Jason's hat I would probably start throwing things at the television.
Fall over ... fall over ... fall over ...My mind control techniques don't seem to be working. This is all very slow and boring, Katona, and there's not much skating on your own. Interesting lift name: The rotating back stag. Judges' scores: 10.0. This is apparently lower than previous weeks. Jason thinks she's using her partner as a crutch. Heh. Crutch. Sounds like crotch.
Oh, I turned away for approximately 1.4 seconds and Karen and Jason are having a domestic.
Who is skating next? I pretend to hear you cry. Vanilla Ice, of course! Now, in the 'coming up in the show' preview earlier there were shots of blood pouring down his face ...
He fell on his face. Completely. On. His. Face. Blood everywhere. Ew.
Skating to a Bon Jovi song. Always? Oh bless him, he's singing along to it!
Not bad, Mr. Ice, but not great, however, I don't think I'd be great if I had smashed my face on the ice. Judges' score: 16.0
TV Burp is back for a new series! I'm clearly not going to be doing anything productive on Sunday evenings.
Dominic the ... er ... cricketer is next to skate. Freddie Flintoff has come to visit him at the practice rink. No, I don't know why either.
Skating to I Can See For Miles. Oh I like this song, it's on Rock Band 3. I'm pretty good at it. I think I can play it on 'expert'. Hmm? Oh yes, the skating. It's not particularly interesting but they do have Union Jack costumes on so that's nice. Interesting lift name: The Spirit of Ecstasy lift. Judges' score: 11.0
Ah, Laura the TV presenter is skating to something with a little Latin flavour this week. Incidentally, I have been informed that she is a children's TV presenter. This is why I don't recognise her. She's doing a 'wrist ripper' move. She doesn't half make it look difficult. Didn't go well in dress rehearsal. Keep your fingers crossed, ladies and germs. Skating to Whenever Wherever (or t'other way round). Skating's pretty good, actually and she JUST about managed to stay upright for the wrist ripper. Really, really JUST about managed it. Judges' score: 20.0
Oh, this new Save the Children advert breaks my heart every time I see it.
Back from the ads and Jennifer and Sylvain are skating. I don't really like her. He, on the other hand is very nice to look at. I missed the name of the song they're skating to ... I know it ... what's it called? This is going to annoy me. Well, whatever it's called, it's a love song. They're doing well but, because I don't like her, I'm not interested. Apparently there was a 'teapot' lift at one point. Judges' score: 18.5 Jason's criticising her acting skills. Heh. She's an actress having her acting skills criticised.
Denise and Matt. Oh god I'd forgotten about those outfits from last week. Dear oh dear. Anyway, moving on.
[At this point the author had to have dinner]
10.0 from the judges.
Sam the wonder boy. Skating to Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Brilliant routine. Judges' score: 25.0 Phil's just announced for them that they're now going out! Jason's called him 'skating viagra'. Goodness me it's all going on.
Comedy Dave is skating to Achy Breaky Heart. Fantastic. His daughter is waaay cute. She called him 'super duper ace'. Ah ha ha ha ha ha he has cowboy-boot-skates. Judges' score: 11.0
Right, that concludes tonight's recap of Dancing on Ice. Well done for getting through it. I'm off to watch another amazing episode of Wild at Heart. Last week's preview showed skinny dipping and someone being chased by a lion. Brilliant.
Will probably add a comment at some point with information about the skate-off.