Sunday, 13 February 2011

"Sometimes I really do wish I had monkey feet"

Good evening, good evening, good evening. Welcome to this, my tenth, bloglet.

Yep, you guessed it, it's another Dancing on Ice live commentary bloglet. This week we are honoured to be joined by our guest commentator, Miss Sarah Groves, who has not seen any of this series and will therefore be an unbiased panelist.We hope you enjoy the bloglet.

So, this week's theme is musical theatre. Perfect for Sarah!

FYI this week's required skill is a jump. Should be interesting.

Jeff and Isabelle are starting the show. Torvill tells me the jumps seem to be a massive hurdle for him. This suggests to me there will be more than one jump, which in turn increases the chance of him falling over. Skating to All I Ask Of You (Phantom of the Opera).
That jump was pitiful, Brazier.
Sarah says: Is the celebrity the man?
Judges' score: 22.0. A personal best.
Jason didn't see enough tenderness and thinks Jeff looked like he was waiting for a bus.

Breaking news: Jason is not wearing a hat this week. Oh I can't lie to you. Of course he is. Black and white checked. I found out why he always wears a hat. It's to keep some of the snarky comments locked up inside him.

Denise and Matt. Denise reminds me that this week's skill is a jump. She then informs me that she's a very busy lady. Aren't we all, Denise? ... well I suppose we're not all ladies ....
Skating to Roxie (Chicago).
Ah, there are the jumps! Kind of a 'blink and you missed it' thing.
Judges' score: 13.0
Jason likes Denise' bum but thinks her arms are like windscreen wipers.

Sam and his girlfriend. Sam tells me there are a lot of places to slip up in this routine. Heh. Slip up. Ice. Very clever.
Skating to Crash, Bang, Whallop (Half a sixpence).
This is brilliant! A 'signature performance', Tony says.
Judges' score: 25.5
Sarah says: Who sang Right Said Fred? [I looked it up and, if you're wondering, it was Bernard Cribbins. Here's a lego version].

Ooh, professional skaters, skating to Defying Gravity (Wicked). Oh they sneakily attached the female skaters to the wires during the performance.
Regarding the final notes of the song, Sarah says: Not the notes I would have gone with but ...
Upon finding out that the woman playing Elphaba was Rachel Tucker, whom she hated in BBC's I'd Do
Anything, Sarah says: Oh THAT'S why she sucked at the last note.

Oh. Katona. Skating to There's No Business Like Showbusiness.
Outfit is horrible. God I dislike this woman.
Sarah says: Did she just have a sneaky wave at her children? (I do not know, Miss Groves, did she?)
Judges' score: 12.0 Kerry is happy with this because she does a tiny victory dance.
Sarah says: Shut up. (She also dislikes Kerry).
Jason disses her skating and there are no boos from the audience. Heh.

Advert break musings from Sarah: You know Kerry? I don't want to be rude (which means she's about to be very rude) but, I liked her when she was in the jungle and I was happy she was queen of the jungle, but I feel like everything she's done since the jungle serves as quite a good advert as to why we shouldn't take certain 'creatures' out of the jungle.


Chloe and French partner. Skating to On My Own (Les Miserables).
Sarah says: I love this song, but before I knew the song I thought the man was dressed as a pirate.
Pitiful jumps, Madeley.
At the end of the performance Sarah says: Face acting!
Tony says that if she carries this on, she could be on screen more often than her parents. Are her parents still on screen Tony? Errors.
Judges' score: 22.0
One of the Jedwards is sitting in front of Richard and Judy. Lucky them.
Jason says there wasn't enough light and shade in the execution of the choreography. W.T.F?

Johnson and Jodeyne. Oh the controversy of last week! This is completely ignored in the video, damn you Dancing on Ice producers!
Skating to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life (Spamalot).
Oh Johnson, you're such a dad-dancer. I love you. Come on Jason, you've got to love that!
Judges' score: 15.0
Christopher Dean says Johnson's been on an amazing journey. Ugh, journey-talk again.

Sarah's worried we're going to witness a death on live television when Vanilla Ice jumps over his skating partner.

Vanilla Ice. "If anything went wrong obviously I'd slice her in half". Obviously Vanilla. Skating to Born to Handjive (Grease).
You will be glad to hear that Vanilla Ice did NOT kill his skating partner. Phewphies.
Judges' score: 21.0. Personal best.
Jason says a little bit of Vanilla Ice is melting away. The Jedwards in the audience heckle at this point, undoubtedly saying something incredibly intelligent and profound but the microphones didn't pick it up. Shame.

Comedy Dave and the poodle. Skating to Aquarius (Hair).
Sarah says: I'm glad he's got a wig. That's fun.
This is pretty horrible but someone cackled in the audience so they're clearly enjoying it.
Interesting lift name: The Revelation Wrap.
Judges' score: 12.5. Personal best.
Jason's spouting crap again. Something about contracting and releasing in the body.

Sarah says: I am very very hungry now.

Laura and Colin. Sarah reckons it'll be from Legally Blonde. I reckon this also. Will they manage the crazy backflip?
Skating to You Can't Stop The Beat (Hairspray). Awesome song.
Sarah says: Although the face acting really does offend me, I find myself strangely drawn to them.
Judges' score: 25.5. Equal top with Sam et girlfriend.

Sarah says: I like .... Torvill's dress. (She took approximately 4 seconds to work out which was which).

Sarah says: When's Wild At Heart starting? (Soon, my lovely, soon).

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