Gooooood evening my adoring fans. How the devil are you? Had a good week? Good. Good. Me? Not bad, thanks. Bit of essay-writing, bit of school, bit of socialising. Can't complain really. Anyway, we must stop this idol chit-chat for Dancing on Ice commenceth.
I like the Dancing on Ice theme music but I feel there is room for improvement. There should be words to sing along to. Here is my suggestion (to be sung to the tune of Wicked's Dancing Through Life):
Dancing on Ice,
With Phillip and Holly,
Kerry's still in? Boo-ooo
How's she still here?
Won't she dis'ppear?
That's as much as I've got so far.
The preview video informs me that this week the celebrities must skate by themselves. You hear that, Katona? That means without clinging onto your partner.
Torvill and Dean are skating! And the professionals are skating! (To Copacabana for this week is Vegas week). Oh my word, T&D somehow managed a costume change halfway through the routine! They're magic!
Holly is very sparkly this week. I think she is 82% sparkle, which is approximately 5% too much.
Jennifer (whom, for no apparent reason, I do not like) and Sylvain are skating first to If I Could Turn Back Time. These two are very sparkly tonight as well. Not as much as Willoughbooby though. The sequence of them skating alone was alright. Judges' score: 19.0
Is Jason working for a flat cap company this year? It's a bit of a boring one this week, folks. He could have put a bit more effort into it and gone for a sparkly one to fit in with everyone else.
Jeff and Isabelle are up. They fell over last week. Don't do it again, Brazier. They're skating to It's Not Unusual. I hope he puts in a few Carlton (off of Fresh Prince of Bel Air) moves. The independent skating has gone well. Good performance, Jeff, could it be his highest score?
Judges' score: 20.0 - by far his best score of the series.
Laura and Colin. Their challenge this week is the Spiral Lift. She's already sliced his leg open in rehearsals. Will there be blood tonight? Skating to It's all coming back to me now. She's a bit shaky but managed not to amputate any legs. It's annoying me that the man ... um ... Colin is wearing white trousers and a white top with black skates.
Judges' score: 24.0 - another personal best. Laura 'moved' Jason tonight. Ugh, puke.
Denise and Matt. Oh MAN UP Denise and get on with it. Oh, she fell during dress rehearsal. I'm thinking she might repeat it tonight. Skating to S'wonderful. I like it so far, very cute, but no solo skating yet ... here it comes peeps ... still standing ... still standing ... still standing ... and finished! Congratuwelldones for staying upright, Denise.
Judges' score: 13.5 which is an improvement on last week.
Bunton's looking suspiciously tanned this week. Maybe it's a glow from pregnancy. Jason's being complementary of Denise but, alas, she didn't move him like Laura did. Ah well.
Comedy Dave and Frankie. He has long days what with having to get up early. Dislike the mint green outfits. Skating to Please Release Me. I'm sorry to say it's all a bit dull ... but Frankie messed up! Frankie messed up! The poodle-faced so-and-so fell over! Made. My. Night.
Judges' score: 11.0
[Dinner time. Commentary will commence shortly]
Vanilla Ice skated to Blue Suede Shoes and yes, he did indeed have blue suede skates on. Judges' score: 16.0 Jason told him off for mouthing the words.
Johnson and Jodeyne. He seems to be struggling with 'forward' and 'backwards'. Skating to Piano Man. He's skating fairly well but, unfortunately for him, my dad has decided to sing along and this does the performance no favours. Amusing lift name: Assisted Death Spiral.
Judges' score: 12.0 He's getting emotional about something. Jason's being rude. Karen's crying. Oh my god, Jason to Karen: If your opinion still mattered you'd be on the panel.
Jason, you may have just lost even more friends there, mate.
[For anyone who missed it, here is the moment Jason crossed the line]
Sam and his girlfriend are skating next. They've gone to a Frank Sinatra impersonator who told them to 'listen to the music'. Wow. Insightful. Skating to I Get A Kick Out Of You. He is basically this year's Ray. Without the annoying trait of being Ray. He makes it look so easy.
Judges' score: 25.5
Interesting lift name: The Arched Float Spin.
Katona. She's apparently not enjoying it as much. Then LEAVE. Two of her billion children have turned up to the practice rink. Skating to Woman in Love. Thirty seconds in and no solo skating ... a minute in and no solo skating ... oh, approximately ten seconds of awful solo skating. Leave now, Katona.
Interesting lift name: Flying Gondola.
Judges' score: 10.0
Kerry informs me 'this is a journey'. Leave. NOW. Kerry.
Chloe and Michael. Apparently the entire routine is a step sequence. T&D skated to the music years ago. Skating to In the Mood. Awesome piece of music. She's a bit wobbly, c'mon Maddely. Hmm, I think they built it up too much because I wasn't overly impressed, I have to admit.
Judges' score: 22.0 I was clearly wrong.
Well, that's the end of another DOI. I'm sorry, I don't think I was as amusing as previous weeks. Will try harder next week.