Yep, I'm running late. My apologies. Life got in the way of watching the show live yesterday so here I am, watching the repeat on Sunday afternoon (and therefore without alcohol).
We start with a recap of last week's results - wasn't that a dramatic show? For anyone who didn't see it, Louis was basically his usual, idiotic self and got one of the good acts knocked out of the competition by being indecisive.
Dermot's on the stage. Do my eyes deceive me, or is he just walking? No dancing? I have to admit, I'm quite disappointed that there's nothing for me to criticise.
The judges are here. Holy crap, what the chickens is Nicole wearing? I'll answer that question: tin foil dress.
Dermot asks Louis what the hell he was doing last week in the results show. Louis makes up some crap about not being able to make up his mind but we all know that one of the producers told him to take it to deadlock and he wasn't brave enough to go against orders.
Jahmene - My Tears Dry On Their Own
Ah, it's Mr Adorable. This week Yoko Ono tweeted him. Standard.
I can't decide if the fact that I think he's adorable is clouding my judgement of whether this is good or not. I think it's ace though. Oh and it's suddenly turned into Aint No Mountain High Enough! What a pleasant surprise. He's so good. He has to win. I've decided.
Louis thinks Jahmene is what the show is all about and he's one of his favourites ever. Tulisa thinks he looks dapper. Barlow loves it. Nicole, who refers to Jahmene as 'Babycakes', also loves it. She says he 'took it' - don't really know what 'it' is, or where he is supposed to have taken it, but it seems to be a positive comment.
Theme is love and heartbreak by the way. Forgot to mention that.
Christopher - How Do I Get You Alone?
Christopher was kinda boring last week. I'm hoping he's more exciting today.
It's a bit of a shaky start but he belts out the chorus. Like, REALLY belts it out. It's nice. That's what it is. He has a nice voice and he looks nice and he sings nicely, but I wouldn't ever buy his album.
Nicole is very impressed. Louis thinks it was very cruise ship and cabaret - which could well be a compliment in Louis' eyes. Tulisa doesn't think Christopher is current. I'd agree. Barlow disagrees with both of us, though. Silly Gary.
Union J - Bleeding Love
This week Union J met One Direction. Apparently this was a good thing.
They're tackling Leona, people. This is a brave move after last week's disastrous performance. All the practise they've been doing though (which they emphasised rather a lot in their VT) seems to have paid off.
I'm actually really enjoying this, and I'm really not a fan of boy bands. Much better than last week.
Tulisa clearly hears my thoughts as the first thing she says is that it was much better than last week. Barlow agrees. Nicole thinks they got everything right. Louis says the boys are bringing something new to the show. I think he's referring to the winter coats. Seriously, since when did coats become a good look for boy bands?
Dermot reminds us we can download the 'legendary' X Factor app. Yep, we'll get right on that.
Ella - Loving You
This week Tulisa took Ella to see her video shoot. Bet she loved that, rather than actually being given time to rehearse.
This girl is amazing. I know I took the mickey out of 'being 16' being her thing last week, but she has a stunning voice for someone so young. She can come second when Jahmene wins. That would be acceptable.
Barlow says the risky song choice paid off. Nicole calls Ella a 'timeless goddess', which Louis then has to follow. Good luck, mate. Louis reckons Ella has been styled too much like Adele. Someone throw something at him. Preferably something hard. And solid.
James - No More Drama
James took Nicole to a pub this week, and gave her pork scratchings. What a brilliant idea (her face is hilarious). I love this guy. In return, Nicole got Mary J Blige to phone James. Think he did better out of that deal.
Thank goodness James seems to have been allowed to style himself this week - at least his hair and makeup doesn't look quite so ridiculous. Blimey he's good. If I were going to vote (which I'm not - Simon Cowell doesn't need any more money) it would be a difficult decision tonight.
Louis thinks James has real talent. Tulisa believes every single word James sings. Barlow is also glad James got rid of the guyliner this week. Nicole thinks James has made Ms Blige proud.
Lucy - Golddigger
Apparently Lucy hasn't had a great week. Oh her nan died. She's chosen to do a song which is upbeat and will make people happy. Good on you.
I like this version. It's quite KT Tunstall-y. She does well and gets through the song.
Barlow enjoyed it. Nicole tells Lucy she swaggered out and made it her own. Again, I think this is praise but I'm not entirely sure. Tulisa congratulates Lucy for not going for the sympathy vote.
District 3 - I Swear
Yep, they're still sticking with the name. Oh well.
Louis has chosen their song this week. They're not fans of it, so it'll probably be horrible.
Ok, it's not awful. It's just awfully cheesy. I'm not sure Louis is aware that music has moved on in the last 20 years. At the moment he just seems to be taking boy bands and turning them into Westlife wannabies.
Tulisa understands why Louis picked the song - because their harmonies are their strong point. Barlow hated it all. I don't think there's one thing he liked about them at all, but he could just be having a dig at Louis. Nicole thinks it was like a warm apple pie, which is nice, but she would prefer some tabasco with it. Louis thinks they're a world class band. Sit down, Walsh, they're not that good.
Jade - Love Is A Losing Game
Aha! The dry ice machine is out. Was wondering when it would make an appearance. Jade's good as well this week! Seriously don't want to call who will be leaving.
Barlow is full of praise. Nicole thinks Jade is an exotic flower who has been picked out of the wilderness. What is Sherzinger on tonight? Whatever it is, make sure she has it every Saturday please, because the stuff coming out of her mouth is brilliant.
Dermot goes into the audience to meet friends and family of the contestants. Or, as I like to call them, the plebs. I'm not interested Dermot, move on.
MK1 - I Want You Back
I don't like these two so I'm hoping they have a rubbish performance. I'm nice like that. This week they've tried to make Louis more urban. Fighting a losing battle there, guys. In fact, the battle is probably already lost.
I really don't want to like this. Isn't it annoying when you try really hard to dislike something, and it's actually quite good? Damn it.
Tulisa praises them for having fun on stage. Barlow thinks it's gone a bit Glee this week. Nicole didn't feel it either because it went too Glee. Apparently I'm a sucker for cheese. Louis defends them by saying it's fun and energetic. Well, so were Jedward but you wouldn't ever buy their songs, would you?
Kye - I Love The Way You Lie
I really like Kye. He seems to have his own ideas about how he wants to stage his performance, and he's quite happy to take a risk (he chucked in some Dido), but I don't know what to make of this.
Nicole liked it but felt that the performance didn't grab her. I'd agree actually. Louis says he got bored and blames Gary, because he's a moron. Hush your face Louis, the grown-ups are talking. Tulisa thinks the audience hasn't seen what Kye is all about. Barlow is defensive.
Rylan - Too many bloody songs to count
Rylan may well be getting even camper by the week.
Rylan starts by singing a Take That song, just for a joke. The look on Gary's face is priceless. Well played! Vocals are obviously nowhere near the level of the other contestants, but it's definitely entertaining.
Louis obviously loves it. Tulisa says it's entertaining. Barlow: "If this was a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes, you'd win." Rylan bites back by telling Gary he's got a taxi booked for him, in case he wants to storm off again. Heh. Nicole praises Rylan for not being afraid to take a risk. She also says he was doing two things on stage: li-ving. I like you, Nicole, but don't joke about with the English language like that.
Melanie - The Song Off The John Lewis Advert
Melanie is very grateful that people voted for her. She cries she's so grateful.
Not a fan of the flared white trousers. Bit weird and breathy at the start but she's soon belting out the chorus. In fact, she's dangerously close to shouting rather than belting. Watch it, Mel.
Nicole thinks the performance showed us that Melanie can do everything. Louis likes that Mel can sing old school and new school. What's new school? Someone ask Louis to explain please. Tulisa was worried for a bit in the middle, but was relieved when Melanie pulled out 'them power notes'.
Aaaand that's your lot! Lots of good performances this week. I don't know who will be going. Thoughts, anyone!