I'm watching a repeat again. (Yes, I'm quite the social butterfly at the moment.)
Last week Melanie left the show and District 3 stayed. No, I wasn't very happy.
This week's theme: club classics.
Dermot's little gang is back this week. And my god he's really going for it - splits, flips and everything ... oh wait this is a body double isn't it? Ah, you got me, O'Leary.
Judges are here. Louis is in another polo neck. Just thought you should know.
Christopher - Waiting For A Star To Fall
Christopher is not a dancer. Apparently his routine will involve dancing. This is going to be ace.
So it's not so much 'dancing' as it is 'wiggling from side to side'. Vocals are pretty good but it's very boring. I've already lost interest and am thinking about what Rylan's going to be doing this week. Louis seems to be smirking to himself.
Nicole: "Who doesn't love a warm cheese toastie?" She's decided to embrace the cheese this week. It reminds Louis of a school disco. Tulisa officially doesn't get it because it's too cheesy. She makes a comment about Gary churning his own Stilton (wonder how long she's been thinking that one up?)
MK1 - (various)
Apparently last week was 'love and heartbreak' for MK1. Boo-friggedy-hoo.
Well it's much less Glee than last week, but I have an irrational dislike for these two, so I'm not interested. Nicole clearly loves it - she's waving her hands around in appreciation.
Tulisa wanted them to do their own rap. (Raps are easy - I've written one about cheese.) Nicole doesn't know what all the smack talk is about because she thinks it was frickin sha-mazing. I'm too stunned by 'sha-mazing' to concentrate on what the others are saying.
Jahmene - Say A Little Prayer
My favourite little smoochie face has had a difficult week because of some personal stuff that has come out in the papers. Stupid newspapers.
He's wearing a blue bow tie that matches his trousers - how adorable! He sounds ace (obviously) ... no, wait ... he sounds sha-mazing. Heh.
Louis says that Jahmene continues to amazing him (he means sha-maze). Tulisa thinks he's adorable ... oh Jahmene's fighting back tears. Someone hug him and then smoosh his little face. Gary reckons Jahmene is a little clumsy when he moves round the stage. Takes one to know one, Barlow.
(Side note: you should know that my computer tries to change 'Jahmene' to 'jazzmen')
Jade - You're Free
Jade's had the 'worst week ever' (she's got a sore throat and has to rest her voice for 48 hours).
She sounds fine to me. Hopefully she's not doing more damage to her vocal chords, though.
Gary wants to know whether Jade's voice is healed yet (apparently it's not). Nicole wants Jade to 'own it more'. Louis thinks Jade looks, but doesn't sound like, a superstar this week. Tulisa's angry at his comments and punches him in the face. Or maybe she's just angry. But she should punch him in the face. He needs to learn how annoying he is.
James - Sexy And I Know It
James has had a tough week as well? The acts are just falling apart this week! (He had an anxiety attack and 'had to calm down'.)
This is a great version of the song - completely different but great! It's much slower and he's playing his guitar. Really enjoyed that!
Louis thinks James deserves a record deal. Tulisa really likes seeing the fun side of James. Barlow thinks it was amazing, amazing, amazing (yes, he means sha-mazing, sha-mazing, sha-mazing). Nicole says James is a revelation with swag 'if that makes sense' - no it doesn't, but I love you anyway.
Union J - When Love Takes Over
These guys had a good week last time so hopefully they can keep it up (I'm nice sometimes - I don't always want them to fail).
They start by sitting down, pretending to be nonchalant. Bets on them standing up halfway through the song? Vocals are alright but I think they did a better job last week. Maybe it was the winter coats, because they're not all wearing them today.
Tulisa thinks they're finding their feet and are getting better. Gary says we're witnessing the birth of a new boy band but he wants more harmonies. Nicole wants more energy. Louis thinks the public love this band. Woah there, Walsh. Love's a pretty strong word, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
Wouldn't it be marvellous if one of the acts completely disagreed with the judges' comments and started getting abusive? 'I'm going to take all your comments on board' is getting really boring.
Rylan - (various)
Yep, it's that time of the show people. Rylan is here. He's had a pretty traumatic week too. He had his beard shaved off.
Vocals are awful but that's really not why we watch Rylan, is it? Halfway through the song Rylan apologises for his behaviour. Because I haven't been reading any magazines this week, I have no idea what this behaviour is, but apology accepted, I suppose.
Louis thinks Rylan is not the best singer but he is the best entertainer. Tulisa thinks vocals were rusty but the entertainment factor was still there. Gary thinks it's not fair that every week Rylan stays in the competition, one of the good acts will be leaving. The audience doesn't like this. Nicole says he doesn't have the X Factor ... he has the X Y Z factor.
Lucy - Titanium
Lucy got drunk and fell over a lot this week. Apparently this offended some people and she and Rylan have been moved out of the hotel they're all staying in. Ok, whatever. Moving on.
She's alright. It's an interesting version of the song but it's not very sha-mazing. Tulisa's happily singing along though, so maybe I'm wrong.
Barlow likes that Lucy keeps us guessing. Nicole finds Lucy's lyrics endearing (she'd written the verses). Louis loves the new hair (excellent input). Tulisa thinks people connect with Lucy's words.
Dermot's with the plebs again. Get out of there, D, you don't know where they've been.
Kye - Save The World (maybe?)
Gary's counted all the flat notes from Kye's performance last week. There were apparently 32. Hopefully there will be fewer tonight.
Another slow version. Plenty of dry ice. The vocals are good. I'm wondering if maybe I'm not enjoying tonight's performances as much as last week's is because I don't really know the songs very well.
Nicole wanted the performance to be epic, and ... and ... and ... it was. You tease, you. Louis thinks it was the perfect performance. Tulisa thinks the Kye we know and love is back. Gary says he performed amazingly (sha-mazingly).
District 3 - Begging You
Please let them choose their own song this week, Louis.
Louis thinks they've been concentrating on their singing so much that they 'forgot to show their personalities'. Riiiiight. I'm always doing that - forgetting to show my personality. What a load of rubbish.
Yeah it's alright as far as boy bands go. The camera cuts to Louis, who is clearly enjoying it - what he's doing could almost be described as dancing (it's really a weird head-bop thing of smugness).
Tulisa thinks that last week gave them the kick in the butt they needed. Barlow thinks they're the revelation of tonight. Hasn't someone else been the revelation this evening? Nicole reckons they're giving the other groups a run for their money. Louis is full of praise.
Ella - You Got The Love
Ella was tweeted by Adele last week. Well Adele tweeted about her. She's excited that she'll be dancing and actually moving away from the microphone. Simple things.
She sounds perfect, but Gary's frowning. Maybe he's just worried about how his overs are going to beat Ella. Don't worry, Barlow, Jahmene's going to win so you don't need to worry about Ella. The sooner you realise this, the better.
Gary thinks that dance moves like Steps cheapen Ella. Me and you are going to fall out very swiftly Barlow. Nicole thinks Ella is beyond her years. Louis thinks she has the X Factor. Tulisa says she smashed it (this is a good thing, right?)
Any thoughts on who will be leaving?